Haywire

Star Rating:  -3 stars

(for Star Rating key: https://madtimemama.wordpress.com/mama-and-papa-movie-reviews/)

Here’s a movie that um . . . uh . . .

Oh sorry. I started thinking about something else.

WTF is this movie about???  I’d say it’s about an hour and a half too long.

The lead character is Gina Carano as Mallory Kane.  Who did she have to bang to get this part?  Whoever it was, he got screwed, ha.  (ba-dum-dum) Sure, she’s hot.  Having her in this role is almost like asking me to play this part, though.  Poor thing.  She half smiles at the camera all the time, like she can’t help it.  Was there a director in this film?  I mean, sometimes it’s like the “actors” sang 1-2-3-go and the cameras started rolling.  You can tell this gal is just happy to be in a movie.  And who can blame her?  But she is so not an actor.  God bless her.  I’m not hatin’, I’m just sayin’.

Did this movie even have a script?  (I know words like “script”).  The A-listers sounded like they might’ve had a few actual lines to memorize.  But I bet all the rest just made this crap up as they went along.  The fact that the movie had to be told almost entirely in flashbacks is a sure sign of some bad writing, in my opinion.  Flashbacks suck.  A flashback is like saying to the audience:  “Hello, audience.  I’m not able to write these important events in an interesting way as they happen.  So, I’m just going to tell you about them now real quick.  But, hey, don’t let that distract you from what’s really going on, mmkay? Love, The Writer.”

Look at this list of actors:

·  Michael Fassbender as Paul

·  Ewan McGregor as Kenneth

·  Bill Paxton as John Kane

·  Channing Tatum as Aaron

·  Antonio Banderas as Rodrigo

·  Michael Douglas as Coblenz

With a cast like that, you would THINK that this movie would have some sort of redeeming quality about it.  Granted, Antonio Banderas would never know the difference.  Channing Tatum, you suck.  Bill Paxton … eh, Bill Paxton’s had some good movies, right?  At least that pedo-stache makes us forget about all the stinkers.  But Ewan McGregor!  You are the surprising piece to my puzzle.  I’ve respected your ability to commit to a role many times!  But bro, honestly, what were you thinking?  You’re too young to stop caring.  Come back to us!  Michael Douglas, we’ll forgive you this time.  You gave us Romancing the Stone, Jewel of the Nile and you beat cancer.  Michael Fassbender . . . the jury’s still out on you buddy, but my husband said you fight like a girl.  And your robot trailer for Prometheus gave me goosebumps.

And for a movie like this, there’s not even enough action scenes to get me through it.  The camera pulled back and set the stage to let us know someone was about to throw down every time.  Why did I feel like I was watching wrestling? Not the real deal but fake wrestling a la Hulk Hogan. That girl gets the crap beat out of her and doesn’t even act like it hurts.

A quote from my husband: “I’d do her.”

A quote from me:   “Yea, me too.”

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