2016 Oscar Fashion Review!

My annual Oscar Fashion Review!  Holy cow, have the last several award shows been complete and utter snoozefests? I have to admit, I have been bored by the last several award ceremonies which resulted in quite possibly the world’s worst blog posts in history during that time of my life.  With that said, this will not be one of those posts. I had the distinct honor serving on a three-part panel for this year’s Academy Awards Fashion Discussion.  Along with my fearless, fashion icon of a husband, Jbird (wearing traditional safety couture with a hard hat on his head), we were joined by our delicious and gorgeous pal, Eve.  Together, we were able to separate the winners from the stinkers and the homeruns from the wonkers. With that said, lets get into it.  ENJOY!

WAH WAH WAH

Charlotte Rampling

Allye: It looks like one of those mid 90s optical illusion posters that incite a migraine. “I see a 3D ship!”  Also… her periwinkle shoes.

Eve:  Those are rough.

Allye:  No doubt.

Eve:  It looks like a Sodoku puzzle.  Like the first worn Sodoku puzzle.

J: No, I think I saw her wear that on Star Trek in 1969, but there was a cotton candy wig and some acrylic jewelry involved . . .

 

Daisy Ridley

Allye:  This just makes me disappointed.  It looks like a tea dress made out of foot fungus.

Eve: Just seeing her in it makes me tired. It looks SO heavy.

J: Nice! Repurposed Star Destroyer insulating wrap for the win! But, seriously, she’s new. And I’d totally do her.

 

Emily Blunt

Allye: It looks like she is trying to hide her baby bump.  Be proud sista! Bump it all over Hollywood and Vine!

Eve:  It looks like a pastel version of one of my middle school show choir dresses.  What a dated silhouette for this dress.  I wore something like this in middle school and my mom made me a dress like this in black for concert choir. I loved it back then, but that was the 90s.

Allye:  Interesting.  Susie, call me.

Eve:  It’s the same silhouette.

J: Meh, I like it. Looks soft and comfy.

 

Jennifer Garner

Eve:  I didn’t even recognize her.

Allye:  I’m not feeling the sash on her right side.  I need something else. Like a totally different dress.

Eve: Her dress looks like Two Face from Batman. Like one half is straight and serious the other high is flowy and interesting.

J: I HATE Ben Affleck. Always have. Always will. She looks so over life. I hate it for her. (psst, Jenny. I can save you . . .)

 

Jennifer Jason Leigh

Allye: She’s so boring I don’t even want to do her.

Phil (Eve’s husband):  I’ll do her.

Eve: Gross.

J: Dude, she’s totalling gassy right now. Look at that stance. She’s gotta be holding her breath waiting for a chance to squeak one out. Jennifer Jason Squeeeeeee!

 

Julianne Moore

Eve: Too geometric for me.

Allye: I like the S&M shoulder straps, but she mixed this up with her Grandma’s black table runner and it kinda kills it for me.

J: Nope.

 

Kelly Ripa

Eve: God her skin is amazing. IF we were juding her by skin, she would win everything.  I want her arms.

Allye: Yea, she’s got great arms. Dress looks gross though.  It’s painfully awful.

J: Looks like she’s about to fall down. #toodrumkfortehozcars –

 

Maria Menounos

Eve: It looks like snakeskin – franken dresses patched together.

Allye: It looks like it is modeled after a finger print.

J: Don’t know her, but not a bad dress. Should be a dark red or plum with the line things silver.

 

 

Nancy O’Dell

Eve: No. Just no. I thought we were done with velvet dresses.

Allye:  She looks like she stole her dress from a velvet elvis. She’s usually on my best dressed.  How quickly they fall. That dress just ain’t it. I actually can deal with the velvet.  The sheer see through crap and the big shoulder bling blows.

J: I don’t care. But I’m stealing “Velvet Elvis.” That should be the name of a modern-day short story set in the Louisiana swamp about a teen-age boy left on his in the world when his great uncle died last year in a boating accident. It’s almost a year later before the CPS/social worker can even find where this kid lives. He’s sixteen now and hiding out from her, because he hears she’s been around, asking questions . . .

 

Olivia Munn

Eve: I actually like that one. I like that color.

Allye:  I hate it. I hate the color.

Eve: I thought we were done with the one shoulder in the early 2000s.

Allye: I think the one shoulder is nice. But Coral/Orange is NOT ok.

J: Tangerine sherbert popsicle, and not a brand name kind. Generic, Real Value. Tastes like water.

 

Olivia Wilde

 

Eve: She’s got wings.  She’s gonna fly away.

Allye: She’s got a killer back.

Eve:  Have you seen the front?

Allye: It’s got that square plunge.

Eve:  She’s free ballin’ it. Woman style.

J: Front would be nice . . . I like fronts.

 

Rooney Mara

Allye:  Holes. Stupid holes.

Eve: You and keyholes.

Allye: Keyholes? That’s what it’s called.

Eve: It’s like a bad “Say Yes, to the Dress.”

Allye: She’s still going for that “I’m not interesting, but I’m so mysterious that I’m boring” personality. Rooney, you’ll never be Noomi Rapace.

J: Totally trying to copy Noomi’s blank, soulless gaze of the dead here. You nailed it with the nail her train is caught on just out of frame.

 

Sofia Vergara

Eve:  There’s nothing original about it. I could go to Dillard’s and find that in the “Old Lady” wear.

Allye: Lets be honest.  Sofia is pizza. Even when she’s a stinker, she’s still kinda good. However, I’d like to see something instead of strapless sweetheart necklines.

J: Sexy pizza.

 

The Stinkers

 

Amy Poehler

Allye: Nightmares of a Geisha.

Eve:  That’s Amy? I thought that was Adele.

Allye:  HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

J: Lot of voice work lately . . .

 

Gianna Simone

Allye:  My opera professor told me NEVER EVER EVER wear flower patterns while on the stage or red carpet.  SO TRUE. This dress is offensive.

Eve: Hey Demi Moore, what’s up?

Allye:  That’s not Demi Moore.

Eve: Everything about this is so awful.  My eyes hurt just looking at it.

J: Eh, those eyes are the devil!

 

Heidi Klum

Allye:  Did she have an affair with a punk swan in a pool of tie dye ink?

Eve:  I love it. I think she looks very ethereal. It’s whimsical. It looks like she could just float around on a cloud of tulle. And I think the color is complementary.

Allye: She is floating around on a cloud of tulle. That sleeve…. Oy.

J: She got caught in the shower curtain one day and thought it looked great, so . . .

 

Kate Winslet

Allye:  It looks like licorice fondue.

Eve:  Did she get dipped in black tar or varnish? It looks like a vinyl record.

J: dumb, and I think she knows it.

 

Kerry Washington

Eve:  THIS. IS. SPARTA!!!!!!

Allye: “SPARTANS!  WHAT IS YOUR PROFESSION!?”

J: Doubles as roleplay gear!

 

Margot Robbie

Eve:  This was spray painted on. And not in the good kind of way.  It looks like she was poured into that dress.

Allye:  Kinda like Mystique. Except without the boobs.

J: lame

 

BEST DRESSED Y’ALL! 

 

10. Alicia Vikander

Allye:  This dress grew on me. It looked REALLY nice on stage. I like the pillow or ballooning technique.. is that what it’s called?

Eve: Yea, this dress definitely grew on me.

Allye: Like Belle in Beauty and the Beast.

Eve:  I love the color and the way it moved.  I was little nervous bout the mullet skirt but it worked.

Allye:  YES. MULLET SKIRT.  Where can I get one of those?

J: Don’t know who she is, but doesn’t work for me. Knobby forehead, twiggy joints. Blek.

 

9. Tina Fey

Allye: She looks AMAZING.  You can’t see her hair, but man, it looked PERFECT.

Eve:  It all came together.  The color. The syle. The jewelry.  Classy all the way. Well done.

Allye:  YES.  That necklace.  YES.  YES. YES.

J: Looking good.

 

8. Priyanka Chopra

 

Allye:  God. She is a gorgeous lady.  I love this.  I love the belt and I love the choice of lip color.  I love the design.

Eve: I like the train. I was thinking at first it was too “wedding’Y.” She’s got legs for days.

Allye:  I hate sheer crap. But I love this.

J: Gorgeous.

 

7. Reese Witherspoon

Eve: Year of Purple.  Big theme this year.

Allye: I for one don’t mind the purple.  CORAL, I mind. GOD I hate Coral.  It is literally the vomit color of the red carpet.

Eve:  I love a good pumpkin CORAL – like orange-ish color.

Allye: Puke.  I freakin’ HATE CORAL. I think it looks like vomit after sitting on the carpet for a couple of hours.   With that said, I think Reese looks GREAT except for the weird boob cups. Don’t they look like aluminum foil boob cups?

Eve: I wish I could see it from the side. Maybe it’s supposed to be like that. Hopefully it’s intentional.

Allye:  Reese, you look almost flawless.  Fix the boob cups.

J: Never liked her.

 

 6. Jennifer Lawrence

 

Eve: I really love this. I really hated it at first but once I took a deeper look, I think it looks really stunning on her. It’s different. We haven’t seen anything like this on her.  I love her blonde hair too.

Allye: I love the sheer lace? Is that lace? I think it’s lace or something.  I just love it.  The last couple of dresses have looked like bridesmaid dresses.

J: Loser dress. Not buying it.

 

5. Charlize Theron

 

Allye:  Not gonna lie.  I was not feeling this until I saw the necklace. I do like the color and the skirt & train.

Eve: I hated this until I saw the necklace detail and saw her wear it on stage and I changed my mind and it’s really stunning. I love the red on her. It looks gorgeous. Boobs. 

J: very nice.

 

4. Naomi Watts

 

Allye:  She looks like the best version of a mermaid EVER.  I love the necklace and the neckline.  Gawd, I love the sequined skirt. AND THAT MAN on her arm. He’s on my list.  Let it be known, J.

Eve:  I’ve just never seen anything like it.  It’s just really cool. I love the ombre.

Allye:  Lets all be honest here.  Really, we love Liev Screiber.  End of story.

J: Cool how long they’ve been together. Always liked them both.

 

3. Lady Gaga

 

Eve:  It’s pants! It’s a dress! It’s a pants-dress! And I love it!! We are almost getting into camel toe territory, but we’re not quite there yet.  I do find this interesting.

Allye: I LOVE THIS.  I love the fabric coming out of the waist (whatever that is called).  I love the pants.  Her boobs looka bit wonkified in this but the neckline is so cool.. but.. circling back to her boobs, did they deflate?  Awesome hair.

J: Over it.

 

 2. Brie Larson

 

Allye: This is why I love Oscar fashion.  This is amazing! That BELT! The hair! Who is she? Who cares. It’s great.

Eve: I think this is my favorite dress out of the whole event.  She just looks REALLY polished and the textures are cool and the neckline is creative. I don’t usually do belts on dresses but it fits. The color is stunning.

J: Don’t know her, but nice dress. Looks like she might be a good person. Looks like a real smile.

Allye: She just won Best Actress.  Congrats Brie!

 

1. Cate Blanchett

Allye:  YES.  THIS IS OSCAR FASHION.  This is what an Oscar gown SHOULD be.  The detail, the color, the appropriateness. The train.  The jewelry.  The hair.  PERFECTION at its best.  This is it.  Young wannabe actresses take note.  If you want to make a statement on the red carpet, look up Cate Blanchet.

Eve: I do love this. This is definitely in my top two of the whole event. It’s a throw back to classic movie style. It pushes the envelope to over the top and extremely elegant on her. And that SEAFOAM green!! It’s banging!!!!! Well played!!!!!

J: She is mocking me . . . look at that face, those cheekbones. She mocks me.

Allye: On second thought young actresses of the world… lets forget about this dress… it looks like she got tangled in the foam insulation up in the attic again.  Delete this dress from your memory.

 

Well y’all,  that’s it for this Oscar Review.  I cannot wait for the Met Gala… that’s quite possibly my favorite.  This year’s theme is: “Manus x Machina”.  This all goes down on May 2^nd…. cannot wait!

As we enter the heart of the political season, I’d like to leave you with a thought in regards to the golden rule.  This is something my husband said to me while putting up a bunch of grocery carts at WalMart several weeks ago. You know when the corral is overflowing with grocery carts when they haven’t been retrieved in a while?  That was basically what we were dealing with. He was rearranging them all so they wouldn’t hit any cars including ours.  At the time I said to him, “You are such a good person.” And he said to me something that is so true.  “Nah, I’m just not an asshole.”  So I say, be like Jbird. Don’t be an asshole. Go forth my people!