Mad Time Mama!

God, I love award shows. My three favorite award shows (for performance reasons) are 1) the Golden Globes (mostly because every year I keep hoping they bring Tina Fey and Amy Poehler back to host and do the opening — those were the best! If you haven’t watched their monologues from 2013, 2014 and 2015, click the links and watch them on YouTube) and 2) The Grammys.  So many AWESOME performances/collaborations come out of these programs and of course 3) The OSCARS!  

 

This year we saw a country music take over. And I for one am SUPER stoked about it.  

 

Let’s dive in, shall we?!

 

**copyright claim** all photos are courtesy of just about every single entertainment website on the internet.  I don’t own any of the pictures.

Worst Dress

Dr. Seuss WTF awards

 

While these dresses (especially Cardi B’s) are whimsical and fun, what has happened to these award shows?

 

Hennessy Carolina

 

 

Did someone fluff you before you posed? Also, are you wearing underwear? Otherwise, things might get awkward.

 

Heidi Klum

 

Is it just me or does Heidi look like she has broken angel wings? Maybe it’s a failed attempt  throw back to her Victoria Secret days? 

No one really knows. SHH! Let’s not tell her.

 

Cardi B

 

This dress is as if Audrey Hepburn had been on acid and had an affair with Tim Burton’s brain while hyped up on my kids’ Halloween candy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of Ms. Hepburn and Mr. Burton’s brain AND my kids’ Halloween candy. It’s not a bad look. I’m just not sure what to think about it. It looks more like a costume rather than formal attire. Also, I’d be able to take her seriously if she would only knock that huge chip off her shoulder. Every time I turn on the news, she’s fighting with this person or that person.  Live life, Cardi B. Ain’t no one’s got time for that shnizz, least of all you! You’re far too talented to let that chip on your shoulder overshadow your true mission in life.

 

 

Janelle Monae

 

Not into sharp edges or hats at awards shows.  However, Ms. Monae puts forth tons of  effort constantly and you’re such a stunning lady. I can’t wait for you and I to sync up one day.  Some day, I know – and I feel it — you will end up on my best dressed. We’re not there yet. Let it happen organically …. I think you might be trying too hard for shock n’ awe? I can’t put my finger on it.  You can do this! Will you be at the Oscars? I hope so.

 

Best Barbie Doll Impersonation

Katy Perry

I mentioned this in my Golden Globes and SAG review. I just don’t like the mushroom hip look. It doesn’t look good on anyone. Also, I thought this tweet from Anna Kendrick was funny:

“When Skipper and Barbie come as a packaged set.”  – Anna Kendrick

Well said, my friend.

Not your best look

J-Lo

 

 

I love me some J-Lo. But I am not a fan of hats at award shows. I personally feel like they’re distracting and blocks the connection with the camera. Also, be sure to hem your dress.  No sense in letting your business flop on the floor.

 

Admirable Showing

Lady Gaga

Perfect hem.  Not bad. I dig it.

Tori Kelly

She looks so beautiful. She’s got a great set of pipes.  I covered Tori’s song “I Was Made For Loving You” last year.  Check it out here.

 

Kelsea Ballerini

Another up and coming talent in the country music world.  What a year she has had! You look fab, Ms. Ballerini!

 

Alicia Keys

 

This dress fits her like a glove. I just wish folks would hem their gowns.  Is that so hard? So help me if I ever wear a gown on the red carpet someday, you can bet your ass it will be hemmed properly.  Lord. Help me.

 

Tracee Ellis Ross

You always make me smile Ms. Ross.  I love all your fun colors and your megawatt smile!

 

Bebe Rexha

 

I think Ms. Rexha was having a hard time finding someone to dress you?  I think you did just fine in that department. I did hear you had a hissy fit the other day because peeps would’t sing along with your song.  Not good to be so antagonistic with the audience, my friend. Humility is a wonderous thing and would be important to learn. Remember, you’re just a person who gets to do an extraordinary thing that only some of us only get to dream about.  So many other folks would jump at the chance to be in your shoes. Work hard, play hard, but don’t be an entitled a-hole. I don’t care where you come from in this world. Choose humility and kindness next time.

 

RIP Chris Cornell

 

It was touching when Chris Cornell’s wife Vicky and his two children Toni and Christopher Cornell accepted his Grammy.  My husband and I still grieve for Chris Cornell. His voice was one of the greatest voices in rock music to ever exist. We miss you, Mr. Cornell. In honor of his incredible voice, I give you one of my favorite acoustic performances, “Like a Stone.”

 

 

Shout out to Natasha Lyonne

And here is our random lady of the night at the Grammys, Ms. Natasha Lyonne.  I’m not complaining. I’m a fan and I totally root for Ms. Lyonne. In fact, I’ll take this moment to suggest all of you check out her newest project, Russian Doll, on Netflix. I could not stop watching it. I had to binge it over two days.

It’s basically an adult version of Groundhog Day. This lady (Natasha Lyonne) keeps reliving her birthday. Every day she dies and comes back to the same place. So she has to figure out how to get it to stop and be the right timeline. I loved it and so will you.  

 

You’re welcome.

 

LEGENDS

 

Dionne Warwick

 

#queen — I’ll say a little prayer for you.  

 

Diana Krall and Tony Bennett

#classykids

 

Chaka Khan

She’s the something good right here.  Have any of you ever attempted to sing a Chaka song at karaoke?  It’s hard stuff people. I sang a song of hers with my band Bluestone called “Love Me Still.”  Hard to evoke as much life and emotion as Chaka is able to convey with her powerhouse pipes. Such a talent.

 

Lee Ann Womack

She’s such a class act. I enjoyed watching this little snippet of a “day in the life”:

 

 

Little Big Town

They are so cool. They were great on the Dolly tribute.  I loved watching them be asked to join the Opry a few years back. I thought this was a cool moment for them:

 

 

Linda Perry (and Sara Gilbert)

Linda Perry has written SO many songs for so many artists.  

 

This is one of my favorite songs by Linda Perry, sung by Christina Aguilera.  Ms. Perry is playing piano on this. You’ll see her briefly on the piano about halfway through.

 

 

MUST WATCH PERFORMANCES OF THE NIGHT:

 

Dolly Parton tribute.  

This woman. I cannot really put into words how much Ms. Parton means to me. She was the reason I wanted to be a performer.  She has been a HUGE influence on me and so many people I know. Know who you are and do it on purpose, y’all.

 

 

Awesome job on this tribute.  Although I wish I could have taken Katy Perry’s place.

 

Dan + Shay

These guys are going to be an unstoppable force. They are just fantastic.  They absolutely deserve that Grammy! Check out their performance at the Grammys of their hit song Tequila!

 

 

On the flipside of that, check out The Raging Idiots parody of Tequila called Chipotle — they had Dan+Shay perform their song on the Bobby Bones Show! So funny — I just ❤ The Bobby Bones Show!

 

 

Brandi Carlile

This singer/songwriter deserves all the accolades she is receiving.  She’s such a talent. Check out her performance here!

 

Ashley McBryde

 

If I may, one special lady who has my heart was nominated and in my opinion, under appreciated.  Therefore, I’m going to give her a shout out right here.  Here’s her performance at the Grand Ole Opry performing her hit “Girl Going Nowhere.” I ❤ you Ms. McBryde. You’re the coolest!

 

Kacey Musgraves

Y’all….. Download the album Golden Hour RIGHT now. This artist is absolutely incredible. Fantastic voice (reminds so much of our beloved Dolly) and her songwriting is just REAL and perfectly imperfect. Love her.  If this song doesn’t give you hope, I’m not sure what will. So lovely. Thank you, Ms. Musgraves for existing.

 

 

Best Dressed

 

Here we go y’all. Top 5!

5) Dua Lipa

NICELY DONE from head to toe.  And a perfectly hemmed dress to boot.  A-frickin’-PLUS lady, right out the gate.

 

4) Maren Morris + Ryan Hurd

As my most loyal followers know, I’m not a fan of patterns. They are distracting, remember? However, there is always the exception and Ms. Morris is that exception. It’s such a playful, sweet fabric and almost reminds me of one of Cate Blanchett’s elf dresses in L.O.T.R.

3) Camila Cabello

Verrrrrrra nice. Also, once again, perfectly hemmed! She took a cue from Nicole Kidman’s playbook:

 

2) Kacey Musgraves

THE WOMAN OF THE NIGHT!  What a dress! . I love everything about this dress.  I love the bodice, the fabric, the contrasting waist …. Everything.  PERFECTION. Once again folks, download #GoldenHour right now.

 

1) Dolly Parton

She will forever be the best dressed in any room, any day of the week. Hands down. No justification will ever be needed. If Dolly is at the show, move outta the way. She will show you how it’s done.  Some day, I’ll sing a duet with her and it will be glorious.

 

There you have it folks. Grammy 2019 Fashion Review is in the books.  Now… for the Bonus round!

 

Country music has always had my heart and I am so thankful for the new emerging artists on the scene bringing it back into the limelight. I feel confident country music’s future is in good hands.  Not sure if you all knew about this or not, but my favorite artist of all time recently was asked to create personalized glitter portraits for all of the Artists of the Year at the CMT Artist of the Year Ceremony. Her name is Trilli “The Glitter Artist.”  She creates portraits completely out of glitter. Check out the article that CMT did on her here. All of those portraits are now with each of those artists. How cool is that?

 

Go and check out her website and follow her on all the socials!

 

www.TrilliLife.com | Instagram:  @TrilliLife | Facebook:  www.facebook.com/trilli.artist

 

Her talent is incredible and I, for one, absolutely LOVE her creations!  I commissioned her to do a portrait of me for my birthday last year:

Here is the original headshot that inspired her:

Headshot courtesy of the amazing Cindy Harter Photography.

 

AND AND AND!!! She did these BEAUTIFUL “Pop Art” versions of my daughters … Gah. What a talent! I just love them:

Here are the inspirations:

 

 

 

 

Headshots courtesy of the lovely and talented Stacy Preston Photography.

 

Go get your glitter on and check her out!

 

Also, have you heard of The Shop Forward?  I get stopped all the time when I am out on where I got my “Four Things Tote.”  Get really cool stuff while they pay it forward and give money made to your favorite charities. Just another wonderful thing about The Bobby Bones Show.

 

 

Alrighty folks, these were a couple of super loaded post drops today.  Be sure to follow me on Instagram @allyeratledge and check out my other website: www.AllyeRatledge.com. We’ll see you back here after the Oscars airs next Sunday, February 24th! Can’t wait!

 

 

Ah yes, the SAG Awards. The award that every actor wants to win because it is voted on and by your peers. In some ways, people feel they can be either as creative or as relaxed at the SAGs as they want when it comes to fashion. My pal Evie helped me with this round and discussed who would get the coveted best dressed and all my other ridiculous lists. I know all the artists out there just hold their breath waiting for my post to come out to see which list they made. Let’s dissect the current year’s results, shall we?

**copyright claim** all photos are courtesy of just about every single entertainment website on the internet.  Credit is listed directly under *most* photographs. With that said, I don’t own any of the pictures.

Most Improved

Elisabeth Moss

 

Do I love this dress?  No. Do I think it’s a massive improvement from that LBD trainwreck from the Golden Globes?  Yes. Way to go, kid!

Kinda improved

Amy Adams

Better than the university choir dress she wore to the Golden Globes. I’m not a ruffle girl and I’m not enjoying or liking the mushroom hip trend. Not a good look on anyone.

Old School Hollywood-Vibe Award

Alison Brie and Dave Franco

Call me crazy, but I kinda dig this.  It’s not my favorite by any means, but I love how old schooly it is . The straight bodice with the black bow on the side, and the cape. Plus, Dave Franco is giving off some serious Clark Gable juju.  Well done. I’ll give you the best dressed couple award.

Trendy Trend

80 Ruffles

I’m all for doing an 80s themed frock, therefore, I give you the ruffles of the 80s.

Gemma Chan

 

Betty Gilpin

 

Angela Bassett

She never ages. She is also one of my favorite actresses.  Where ever you lead, I’ll follow, Ms Bassett!

Sarah Goldberg

These ladies were styled by the same stylist apparently.  

 

Pastel Obsession

Not my favorite styles. However, I don’t completely hate the colors.

Julia Garner

Everybody now! “…Under the sea…. under the sea…. life will be better… take it from me…”

Kate Nash

Ms. Nash, you could have worn ANYTHING and ANY STYLE. You chose this.  Let’s get you a new stylist…. Or a maybe you just need one?

One Shoulder Slant

Sandra Oh

Laurie Holden

Keltie Knight

Rachel Weisz

Shoulders are sexy y’all.  These ladies know what’s up!  

Feathers

Lady Gaga

 

Ryan Michelle Bathe

Danai Gurira

 

I’m just not a feather fan. I’m still having nightmares of Debra Messing hot mess of a dress from the Golden Globes.  FYI. Mom is not a fan either. 

 

Deep Cleavage

Robin Wright

Yes, Madam President.  Hotness.

 

Catherine Zeta – Jones

 

 

Margot Robbie

 

If you got it, flaunt it.  YOLO.

 

Elizabeth the 1st Inspired Collar Award

I haven’t see such dramatic collar flare since Elizabeth The Golden Age.

 

Emily Blunt

 

Psychoanalysis Test Dress 

Lyric Ross

This dress completely confuses me. It reminds me of one of those Rorschach tests.  What do you see?

 

VIP Legends

Lily and Jane

 

THESE LADIES.  Lily and Jane — can I just say that I am SO SO stoked for the new 9 to 5 movie? It’s going to be so AWESOME!

 

Margo Martindale

 

Margo Margo Margo.  One of my most favorite actresses.  You are just exquisite. One of my favorite characters was Mags on Justified.  SO SO good .. and we can’t forget Camilla on Dexter! ❤

 

Patricia Clarkson

 

You are such a hottie.  You were pretty incredible in Sharp Objects. I HATED your character. She was pretty much the worst person who has ever existed and you played her perfectly.  I’m such a fan of your talents. I ❤ you Ms. Clarkson!

 

Patricia Arquette

 

Ever since True Romance, you have been one of my absolute favorite actresses. I wish they would bring Medium back. Have y’all ever seen the ending to Medium?  Go binge the entire series (the episode with Angelica Huston is a real tearjerker…gah!)

 

Safehouse (a.k.a BOOOOORRRRRINNNNGGGGGG)

Constance Wu

While I’m not wild about this dress, I love  your nude lip. I wish I knew how to create a perfect nude lip.  It never turns out the right way when I do it. In fact, most of the time when I do my makeup it turns out like this:

 

RIP Hatchet Face

 

Most wonderful JumpSuit

Britney Young

I love this jumpsuit. Sexy as all get out.  Totally hot.

Emma Stone

 

That side bow on the neck is very 2012. See evidence from Nicole Kidman and Emma Stone herself at the Academy Awards in 2012:

 

WTF?! What are these dresses?

Best interpretation of being Dracula’s Mistress?

Lupita Nyong’o

 

How quickly they fall.  It happens to the best of us. Ms. Nyonog’o … I’ll await your triumphant return to the top when I review the Oscars!

 

Lucy Boynton

 

Girl, you are two for two on my blog. It’s not looking good for you.

 

Madiline Brewer

The Bride of Dracula?? I’m so confused.

 

Sofia Bush

Are these outfits for real?  They actually said yes to these dresses. WOW.

 

I know, as painful as some of those dresses are, you are all looking for some type of relief.  Trust me, I hear you and I feel you. People at the SAG awards think it’s a good time to make a statement, take it easy or go out on a limb.  That’s all fine and good — I don’t have a problem with taking a risks or thinking outside the box. Let’s just put some effort behind it folks.  With this all out in the open… I give you my top three Best Dress of the 2019 Screen Actor’s Guild Award.

 

Best Dressed

 

3. Lavergne Cox

You ABSOLUTELY know what works for you and this dress is a prime example of that. How gorgeous are you lady? From the hair,to your makeup, to the cut of the dress (which is perfectly hemmed by the way, THANK YOU MS. COX) to that incredible back! OMG.  Perfection. Such a fan. I love you.

 

2. Mandy Moore

Not a stranger to my best dressed list.  She made it back in 2017.  SO elegant all the time.  You’ve come a long way in your career.  So very proud of you. You are a gorgeous lady inside and out. By the way, your recording of Gardenia is one of my favorite tunes ever.

 

1.Yara Shahidi

19 years old, y’all. I cannot fathom having this much sophistication in order to decide on the perfect dress for the SAG awards. I was quite the opposite at 19. Awkward. Obnoxiously tom-boyish-but-wanted-to-be-girly-but-didn’t-want-to-admit-it.  Ms. Shahidi has got a promising career ahead of her with her acting talent — not to mention how sweetly poised and beautiful she looks on the red carpet. If acting gets tiresome for her, she can switch to modeling!  What a GORGEOUS dress. Everything from the slim fitting sheath dress underneath, to the sheer tulle overlay and the embellishments with with the high collar.  She is stunning and that’s how you do it folks.  So young, but we could all learn from this young gem. 

Here are a couple of gems through the years just to show how I rolled at 7, 16 and 19 years old.  Little Allye through the years!

#thatshot

 

This award show fashion was not as exciting as I was hoping it might be. It was a bit expected.  The SAGs always lack in the fashion department. But, if you enjoyed this, check out my next post….. THE GRAMMYs!!!!!!!! Or check out my previous posts from past award shots.  Be sure to follow me on Insta (@allyeratledge) and check out my other website with music and so much more: www.AllyeRatledge.com .

 

PS.  I love you Chris Pine.   

 

MMMMmmmmm hmmmmmmmmm.  Good Lord. So fine.

(I’m ignoring your shoes. I’m ignoring your shoes.I’m ignoring your shoes.I’m ignoring your shoes.I’m ignoring your shoes.I’m ignoring your shoes.I’m ignoring your shoes.I’m ignoring your shoes.I’m ignoring your shoes.I’m ignoring your shoes.I’m ignoring your shoes.)

 

See y’all back here after the Oscars next week! Sunday, February 24th! (Though with the way I am clocking these posts, it will probably be a week before I get the review done! HA! Who cares?! It’s my blog! Holla!)

Huzzah! I haven’t done a fashion review in over two years.  It was fun throwing this little ditty together! Before we get started, I should mention:

**copyright claim** all photos are courtesy of just about every single entertainment website on the internet.  Credit is listed directly under *most* photographs.  With that said, I don’t own any of the pictures.

WORST DRESSED

Anne Hathaway

There are two people who can flawlessly pull off leopard print:

• Queen Bey

• Gwennie

Ms. Hathaway, you are not on this list. Thank U, next.

Debra Messing

Ca-cawwww! Ca-cawwwww!

She’s gets my mother’s coveted seal of disapproval. Congrats!

Heidi Klum

 

Can we stop inviting Heidi Klum to all of these award shows?  Why is she even here? She gets worse every time. She adds zero value to the red carpet line up. See evidence:

Janelle Monae

Ms. Monae’s makeup is right on point. She is always a gorgeous lady. She is one of my favorites to watch on the red carpet because she is so darn interesting. However, I just don’t know what this is and what to make of it. It looks like a cross between being inspired by:

• Chain mail from a knight on King Arthur’s court
• While being wrapped in one of Khaleesi’s dragon skins from G.o.T
• And topping off with a golden marshmallow hat inspired by Jackie O.

Help me, please.  WTF.

Jodie Comer

First off, let me say, if you haven’t seen Killing Eve, YOU ARE MISSING OUT.  Watch it. Jodie Comer and Sandra Oh together are a force not to be missed.

It pains me to do this, because I see the mirror imaging you are doing with this dress… with that said….

Bring back the pink!

 

Gaga’d

Lady Gaga is known for her fashion. I get it.  I can appreciate the fashion periwinkle color in her hair.  I think the basic part of the dress is actually pretty despite being quite institutional. What I can’t get on board with is the excessive fabric.  As a dear friend said, “it looks like she brought her bed sheets with her.”   Wanna snuggle? Yes, I absolutely do.

Kennedy List of Disapproval

I’m a performer.  One of my dearest mentors from college, and one of the greatest singers of all time—Dr. Frederick Kennedy, taught me on the first day, that you don’t wear flowers or loud patterns on stage. They are too distracting.  You are also forbidden from wearing anything above the knee because knees are distracting. It was basically his number one rules. I also happen to agree with him.

Lucy Liu

What is with Lucy Liu and all the prints? I mean, experimenting once is understandable. I guess it’s your thing. Definitely not for me.

I miss your metallic evening gowns.

Camilla Belle

I like pretty much everything about this dress except the print.  Why?  It looks like something Elvis would hang in the jungle room at Graceland. Drop it off the next time you are there.

On a side note, have you been to Graceland?  Definitely worth a trip to knock it off the bucket list. I love that place.

WASHOUT AWARDS

Amber Heard

Ms. Heard is obviously beautiful and elegant. However, something about the contrast of the black and white washes her out. Am I imagining this? Also, she has bedhead, no?

Dakota Fanning

 

I can barely look at this dress without my eyes tearing up from blinding pain. I actually really like this dress (besides the hem… what’s with these dresses being hemmed so wonky?) It’s just the wrong color.  She’s completely washed out.  Also, I don’t like the coral lip.  Not a good match. Wouldn’t this dress have been super cute in Nuclear Pink or Nickelodean green?

Julianne Moore

There are so many things going on here texture-wise, I don’t even know where to look. Neither one compliments the other. Most of all, this outfit completely wipes her out.  I’m not feeling it at all.  Her hair looks nice though.

Kate Mara

Rumor has it, that Ms. Mara is preggo with her first kiddo. That’s a big deal, and many congratulations on your upcoming bundle of love!

With that said, fire your stylist. Fire your hair person.  If you need someone, I can hook you up with an awesome couple of gals (Carrie or Cassie! Holla!) here in Rome, GA at Blonde on Broad.  They will lead you down the path of righteous hair styles and colors.  What you have going on right now, ain’t it.

Call me. I’ll hook you up.

Lucy Boynton

Who is this and why is she on my list? Don’t ever wear this dress again in my presence.  Ever.

SOMETHING IS JUST A TAD OFF

Gina Rodriguez

The color of this dress is on point and is lovely contrast with Ms. Rodriguez’s hair. BUT… something is just a tad off….. the deep crevice and large space on the chest really make her chest look saggy, or is it just me? I’m just not into floppy boobs. It’s a tricky style and not easily mastered by someone as young as yourself.  If you need some inspiration hit up Halle Berry. She knows what’s up and how to perk it up in this style.

Emily Blunt

I’m not a huge fan of lace. Honestly it stems back from having to wear lacy dresses to church and sitting through what seemed like the LONGEST sermon about something I didn’t even understand (or being yelled at rather … I grew up a Southern Buzzard Baptist) and my skin itching constantly because of the irritation from the lace dresses I used to have to wear with puffed sleeves.

Ms. Blunt looks lovely in this color and the style.  Something is a tad off…… the bottom half of the dress looks like it came off a rotting corpse. Kinda like Daryl Hannah’s character, Mary, in High Spirits.  See?

It’s uncanny, right?

 

Constance Wu

The skirt and belt of this dress is so flirty and dreamy.  Something is just a tad off….The bodice looks like a nude flavor licorice S&M bra, no?

Elisabeth Moss

GOD. You are SO f’n good in The Handmaid’s Tale. If you all have not seen it, do yourself a favor. Get a HULU subscription and binge all episodes available.  Not gonna lie, the material is sometimes brutal to watch, but my Lord, she is just fabulous.

Is it just me or does Ms. Moss always look like she has a secret to tell? Please tell me. I’m GREAT with secrets.

I’m not a fan of mini-skirts/short dresses at award shows. Knees are distracting, remember? Something is just a tad off with this whole dress… it kinda looks like she randomly ripped off a sections of her dress kinda like what Jamie Lee Curtis did in True Lies.

Kaley Cuoco

Ms. Cuoco has great style and knows what looks good on her. However, something is just a tad off here. First, the hem is all wrong. Second, the material is a wrinkly mess from the car ride.  Quite unfortunate.  Also, no one cares. Too much?

Kristin Cavallari

Isn’t this a gorgeous evening gown? Completely stunning, except something is a tad off.  Two improvements need to be made:  1) The hem needs to actually be hemmed. 2) the sleeves are WAY too long. It would have been cooler if she had one of those angular shaped cuffs with a pull over the middle finger or something?  Alas, no one asked me and I keep wondering why.

Meh.

Amy Adams

This is a very sensible gown … but so very institutional and boring. It looks like one of my old school choir outfits from Tennessee Tech (No offense to Dr. Smith is who is the most amazing choir director of all time and who I will forever love into eternity).  You know, this is a color that isn’t hard on the eyes if it is worn by many and is conservative around shoulders and neckline.  Show just enough skin but never ever anything provocative. If that’s what you are going for, then bravo, Ms. Adams.

Amy Poehler

I love Ms. Poehler. I don’t love this dress for me personally. But she rocks the halter top look flawlessly. However, the dress needs a bit of a hem.  Are y’all catching on to a pattern, here?

Alyssa Milano

Meh. Great color but looks like a wrinkly hot mess.

Caitriona Balfe

GAH! This hurts me to put Ms. Balfe in this category.  She looks super duper adorable from the waist up. I love the hair, her makeup and even the bodice with the flower.  However, the rest of the dress does not do Ms. Balfe’s figure any justice.  She is a stunning woman, and the skirt of this dress is just not for me.

With that said, while I absolutely adore Sandra Oh and Killing Eve and pretty much every person nominated this year (Elizabeth Moss, I’m looking at you kid!)… Caitriona was absolutely robbed on Sunday night and she should have won. She has done INCREDIBLE work on Outlander and her time is coming.  This current season is no different. How I love you!

If you have not watched Outlander, do yourself a favor: 1) buy the books by Diana Gabaldon 2) read all of the books so far 3) get a Starz subscription 4) Binge all available Outlander episodes.

Then, you need to go buy all of the soundtrack music.  Bear McCreary leads you down what can only be described as the most delicious emotional, beautiful journey of ear candy you will ever hear.  His style reminds me so much of Basil Poledouris.  You could literally listen to music and just know what was going on from the instruments being played and the emotion brought forth with the melodies.  YUM.

Emma Stone

LOVE Ms. Stone.  Burn the dress.

Emmy Rossum

I don’t really have a problem with the dress.  Eh, it’s alright. Nothing to write home to Mama about (because she’d probably disapprove anyways … and rightfully so…). However, her make up… It looks like a pretty version of the girl from The Ring’s character makeup. She almost looks sick or something. Not sure.  Can’t really decide.  Here’s something for comparison:

Or maybe this?

You decide.

The Tux Files

Judy Greer

Love me some Judy Greer. She is so fun and so very lovely. She will go down in history with all the greats who wore tuxes successfully. Such as Celine Dion, Beyonce, Annie Lennox and Diane Keaton, of course.

Ms. Greer, give me a holler the next time you are in Georgia and I’ll treat you to some coffee! Standing invitation.

ICONS

Carol Burnett

Forever one of my favorites. Can do no wrong. Her Lifetime Achievement award was so well deserved (and long overdue!).  I love you, Ms. Burnett. **tug at ear**

Glen Close

Isn’t she just divine? She’s so exquisite.  Trivia: Did you know she grew up in a cult?  You should go an read a bio about her life. It’s really quite fascinating. She’s awesome. Congrats on your win, Ms. Close!

Jamie Lee Curtis

I actually dig her outfit. I love that she is rocking the silver hair. I’m sure Billy Idol is proud.

Julia Roberts

Perfection.  At this point in the game, she can wear whatever she wants. I love the neutral color against the black pants. Her hair is gorgeous as always.  I want to be Julia when I grow up.

Nicole Kidman

Is this dress painted on? Like a glove, people. We’ll call this Liquid Body. She likes these form fitting, long sleeved gowns.  This isn’t the first time she has worn something like this.

HONORABLE MENTION

Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell

#relationshipgoals

They are two of the most likeable, real, decent people (at least from what they portray on social media) that I have seen. And the internet is always reality? Right?

I love Ms. Bell’s deep neckline and the sheerness of the skirt.  She is just a gorgeous lady.  Have you seen she is hosting a new show called Encore?  All my music peeps check it out here — this could be your moment!   https://abc.go.com/movies-and-specials/encore

Felicity Huffman

Ms. Huffman looks like a glowing, perfect Oscar Statue. I love her. Nice hem job. (finally, someone gets it right!)

Claire Foy

I love me some Claire Foy. She’s so tangy.  She brings old school glamour with a touch of spice that I just love.  She’s like having the zest of an orange sprinkled on top of a warm cinnamon roll. It just works.

Connie Britton

Gah, love the texture of this dress. I love the fit. I love the bodice. I do not like the hemline. Something to strive for next time. Also, she has GREAT hair and she does not age. Not a bad combo.

Alison Brie and Dave Franco

I love this couple’s look. I know absolutely zilch about either one of them.  Ms. Brie looks stunning with the sheer straps over her sparkle bodice. Honestly, I think we all should wear sparkly bodices every second of every day.

Halle Berry

I’m not feeling the color or the patterns on the dress.  What I do like is the style and how it absolutely  hugs all the right places. Gina Rodriguez, take note of how to do a plunging neckline without the saggy booby syndrome. This lady knows all the tricks. Hit her up.

BEST DRESSED

7) Lupita Nyong’o

GODDESS in Violet.  I love how this woman is so bold with color on the red carpet.  She is not afraid to play with textures and different styles but yet remaining true to what compliments her.  Be who you are and do it on purpose, y’all.  Bravo.

 

6) Alison Janney

Hands down.  Ms. Janney is such a babe.  This dress is absolutely perfect for this award’s show. The draping shoulder line is so lovely with the long sleeves.  She looks like she was just poured into this dress. All Hail to the Queen! Now, if we could just get her to do The Jackal in this dress – my life would be complete!

5) Charlize Theron

This woman. Consistent and knows what is fresh and what compliments her.  The black and white on her looks so different than on Amber Heard, agreed? J’adore. Yes.

4) Bradley Cooper and Irina Shayk

Holy crap on a biscuit. Ms. Shayk is absolutely gorgeous. Who’s the dude?  I can’t take my eyes off of Ms. Shayk. At the end of the day, for these award shows, you want something that is going to make you feel good. Something that is going to compliment you in all the right places. Something that makes you feel and look like a star.

Ms. Shayk, mission accomplished.

Mr. Cooper, I have not had a chance to watch “A Star Is Born.”  However, I heard your interview on the Bobby Bones Show and enjoyed it thoroughly. I look forward to watching it when it’s available for rent.

3) Octavia Spencer

My sweet Octavia.  I will forever be your adoring fan.  Such a classy lady.  The style, the shoulders, the length, the fabric, the shoes.. A++++.

2) Sandra Oh

How perfectly old school, elegant and classy. I think this dress is perfect with the perfect hemline.  She is such a treat. Killing Eve is fantastic. Congrats on your win!  If you haven’t watched it, get on it! She is one of my absolute faves!

Also, while I’m so stoked Ms. Oh got to host, I think the material lacked and did not work. In my opinion, Andy Samberg was not the best choice for a partner. He’s just bad and was not funny (SNOOZE FEST).  Kinda like when James Franco was paired with Anne Hathaway at the Oscars. WHHYY?

HFPA, bring Amy and Tina back to host!

MY NUMBER ONE BEST DRESSED

Danai Gurira

YAAAAAS!! If you are going to do color, do it LOUD AND PROUD. It’s like she dipped herself in lava and invited us all to her own special party.  Yes, I’m RSVP’ing.  This is how you do it, people.  These award shows are meant for risks and this one was worth it. Delicious diva.

There you have it folks! 2019 Golden Globes are wrapped!  Before you go… here’s a poll on the most debated discussion about this award show:

Did she or didn’t she?  You decide.

Did Chrissy Metz call Alison Brie a b**ch on a hot mic?

Click here to be the judge!

 

 

It’s post Oscar time on MadTimeMama.com.  Oh how I love me some Oscars.  We had a LOT of red dresses this year. Definitely a trend.  Are shoulder pads coming back?  While I didn’t feature a lot of them on this post, I did notice that there were a lot football like shoulders on the red carpet (GROSS).

My mom’s birthday is on Monday and so she and Daddy came to visit over the weekend (HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!).  She did plenty of “EWs” …. Click here to experience the disgust for yourself!  Of course, my beloved J-bird also chimes in with his thoughts.

Lets hop right on in.

**copyright claim** all photos are courtesy of just about every single entertainment website on the internet.

THE ABSOLUTE WORST OF THE BUNCH. 

Blanca Blanco

I’m going to go ahead and say it.  This is pretty much the ugliest dress that has appeared on my blog.  Hands down.  The imperial shoulders, the color looks like puke, the slit does not work.  Her shoes are badass though.

Mom –EEWWW!!  No words to describe. Why would someone wear something that ugly anywhere? Does she have it glued down up there? It looks funny. I don’t like it.  Those sleeves… and the leg, I don’t like that at all.

Daddy:  Sucks

Brie Larson

I’ve never watched Ms. Larson in anything, though I’ve heard great things about her. This dress is all sorts of wrong, in my humble opinion.  The ruffles don’t do anything for the dress and is quite honestly, distracting.  It’s like she is wrapped in black toilet paper.

Mom: I’m not a ruffle fan. Those pointy boobs don’t do anything for her.  She needs teeny tiny straps… or something. It needs something.

Daddy:  Sucks.

Charlize Theron

Ms. Theron has missed the mark on the last several awards shows.  She’s one I look forward to the most. Honestly, she has been missing the mark for several years now.  She’s had some winners, but mostly duds. This one is in the latter group.

J:  That’s a part of her next Mad Max wardrobe.

Mom: She looks like a fish out of water.  She looks like scales or something.

Daddy: Sucks.

Chrissy Tiegan

Blagh.  Ms. Tiegan. I just don’t understand your idea of pretty things or pretty hair.   I just don’t get it.  I hate long sleeves most of the time and on this dress, it’s just doesn’t work. Not sure why you are everywhere either  …. Kind of a snooze fest, but to each their own. Enjoy the spotlight.  #notafan

I love your husband, btw.

J:  Hideous

Mom: That doesn’t do anything for me.  Why do they always have a slit cut up to their hoo-haa?

Daddy:  Sucks.

Cynthia Ervio

One of my favorite music mentors of all time, Frederick Kennedy, taught me a long time ago that prints are dangerous and distracting.  Never wear them for important performances or functions. I have to say I agree with that motto. A little bit of a print goes a long way.  While Ms. Ervio is undoubtedly a great talent, her dress is something that is less than to be desired.

Mom: Floral disaster.  It looks like a bedspread.

Daddy:  Sucks sucks sucks.

Dakota Johnson

WTF is this?  You could wear pretty much anything you want and you chose this?  Go home little girl. Get a stylist or call me for approval next time.

J:  She looks like she is really happy with this dress. Shoulder pads are coming back.

Mom:  She looks like she is dressed for the 1920s.

Daddy:  Sucks.  Dress would make a good floor cleaner.

Emma Roberts

First off, I love the color of her hair. I always have high hopes for Ms. Roberts.  She has all the makings to be awesome. This dress looks like it’s unfinished. I do enjoy the layered skirt, but the top is missing something… like fabric. Not attractive.

J: Bored with her, bored with the dress. Don’t care.

Mom:  That dress doesn’t look good on that girl. I don’t like that dress at all.

Dadddy:  SUCKS.

Giuliana Rancic

There is absolutely nothing good to say about this whole ensemble. Awful color, terrible stringy hair (take note fashion peeps – never have stringy hair at an awards show), random-cut-up sheets posing as some sort of dress, terrible color for her complexion .. don’t come back if you aren’t willing to play the game. You’re a disappointment.

J: She never fails to let us down. Dueling banjos.

Mom: She looks like she is trying to be a dead roman princess or something.

Michelle Williams

This makes me sad.  I love Michelle Williams.  She’s usually one of my best dressed. This dress kinda shows she’s over the whole scene. Boring all the way around.

J:  LOLOLOLOL. It’s like she doesn’t care anymore.

Daddy:  It sucks, in a plunging way.

Scarlett Johanssen

Same thing here with ScarJo. You’re at the Oscars, not the Vanity Fair after party.  Disappointing. And kinda of telling. Scar Jo was one of the first peeps I saw when I started looking at the arrivals.  She set the tone and honestly, the whole Oscars fashion roundup was quite mellow and boring this year.  Nothing that really stood out.

J:  I hate the hair more than the dress.   Miley Cyrus is trying to act like she’s not crazy.

Mom:  Too blousy.

Daddy: The color looks like a tumor I took off a dog the other day.

Love/hate

Jessica Biel

Things I love: Her sleek dark hair. Her make up. The shiny, glitz, glam fabric.

Thing I hate:   The color.  Not a fan of the color.

J:  Actually looks pretty good.

Mom: Egyptian.

Daddy: Sucks.

One last thing……

I AM a fan of you and your husband.  Y’all were super cute in the opening of the ceremony.  You killed it Mr. Timberlake. If y’all haven’t seen it, watch it here:

Karlie Kloss

Things I love:  The hair (You have an old school Hollywood vibe going on), The cape (reminds me Gwynnie’s dress from 2012).

Back to Karlie ..The choker (it works, it really works… most aren’t as successful), Make up is PERFECT.

Things I hate:  The color. Use with caution.  Not a fan of bright Clorox white. I agree with Mama on this one.

J:  Now I like that one.

Mom:  Since it’s white, it doesn’t look as good.  Black or a darker color would look a LOT better.

Daddy: Modest but sexy.

Kirsten Dunst

Things I love:  I love the bodice.  I love the jewelry.  I like the smokey eyes.

Things I hate: The scowl look. The stringy unkept hair look. And borrowing a phrase from one of my dearest pals, Ms. Evie, “I hate mullet skirts. Not a fan.”

Mom: I don’t like the dress at all.  I don’t lke the shoes, hair the dress.  Awful.

Daddy:  Sucky sucky sucky.  I like the carpet she is walking on.

Kristen Cavellieri

Things I love: The choker, the bodice minus the pointy BOOB horns, the skirt.

Things I hate:  You didn’t hem the dress (vomit sauce and tripping hazard) and the CORAL color.  Gross.

Mom:  The color is wrong.  Those pull up things on the boobs, if they are going to have that, they need to have straps.

Daddy: Sucks.

J: She doesn’t looks right.

Leslie Mann

I love Leslie Mann.  She’s so funny and quick with expressions.  I actually really love this dress but I hate it too.

Things I love:  The bodice, the bow, the fun skirt, the hair, the make up.

Things I hate: I hate the color. I wish it was hot pink.  But then again, I wish everything was hot pink.

Mom:  EW. Whoa!!!!!!!  NOOOOO.  UUUUHHHHHHGGGGGG-LEEEEEEE.

Daddy: it looks like mustard on a hot dog to me or 57 Studebaker.

Also, the fun skirt (which I kinda love) reminds me of of Prince Di’s dress (wrinkly and such…)  See?

 

Priyanka Chopra

First off, whenever Ms. Chopra is around, I can’t stop staring at her. I have a total girl crush on her. She is GORGEOUS. I love her hair, her make up.  And I love the dress.  And I really HATE it.

Things I love: I love the geometric shapes and the pearly color. I love the simple earrings and bracelets. AND she has hemmed the dress PERFECTLY.

Things I hate:  What’s up with the open mesh sides and the pointy booby edges.  This would have been perfect as a simple smooth rounded bodice at the top instead of the peak-a-boo mesh sides.

Mom: I don’t like the sides.  I’m not wild about this dress.

J: I like her hair.

SHOUT OUT TIME!

Auli’i Cravalho

Beautiful young lady. Lovely voice.  Wonderful pick for your first Oscar ceremony.

SHOUT OUT:  Way to carry on like a trooper after getting bonked on the head by the back up dancers.

Mom:  I like this dress. It looks like seashells.

Daddy:  You could use that dress to detail a car.

Busy Phillips

You are always so fun, Ms. Phillips.  This dress does not disappoint.  I love everything about it.  I also love your smooth hair and gorgeous earrings.

SHOUT OUT:  LOVE YOU in Vice Principals. So good.

Mom: Not wild about this dress. Not my favorite.

Daddy:  Sucks

Emma Stone:

I have to say I was disappointed in the dress choice, however your makeup and hair look FABULOUS.

SHOUT OUT:  BIG congrats to you, ma’am, for your Best Actress win!  For all you current and future performers, take note on how to accept an award graciously:

Mom:  Ew… Ugly ugly dress.

Daddy: Really sucks.

Ginnifer Goodwin

Ms. Goodwin, lets talk.  We need to do something about your hair. Call my stylist Haley Martin at Twisted Scissors Salon.  She can help you.  She really can. She’s the best.

I’m not going to talk about your dress.  Instead….

SHOUT OUT:  Hours before this broadcast you were told one of your former costars, Mr. Bill Paxton, had passed away.  For you to carry on and still be there, was huge and I commend you for that.  He would, like most people, want you to carry on.  That’s exactly what you did.  Kudos.

Mom:  That’s pretty rough.

Janelle Monae

I kinda dig this gown and kinda don’t.  With that said, Ms. Monae, you are always the belle of the ball with your fashion choices because you own the moment.

SHOUT OUT:  Thank you for never being boring or simple. We need you on the red carpet every single time.

Kate McKinnon

YOU ARE PERFECTION!

SHOUT OUT: Who loves Ms. McKinnon?  I do! Love her. That’s enough for me!

Mom: That’s ok. It’s really nice.

Naomie Harris

Ms. Moneypenny!  So glad that you are getting noticed these days. It’s about time!

SHOUT OUT:  The trailer for your nomination was a knockout.  Well deserved nomination!

J: I like it except for the slit in the middle.

Mom: I don’t like that long tail. Hate the shoes.

Shoreh Aghdashloo

This lady.  WOW.  You should read about this lady.  She is SUCH a lady.  Beautiful.  We first saw her in 24 and have enjoyed her since then.

SHOUT OUT: For being awesome. We love you!

J:  Gorgeous woman.

THE BEST DRESSED!!!!

Felicity Jones

Proud of you, Ms. Jones.  You have worn some stinkers for the last several red carpet events.  Good of you to pick something that didn’t completely miss the mark. I love the shoes but wish the dress was just a shade darker. It almost washes you out.  But you look adorable in it and definitely deserves to be on the best dressed.

J: I like that one.

Mom:  She looks like she is going to junior prom but it’s alright.

Dadddy:  Sucks

Halle Berry

Unlike most people who have scoffed at the curly mop headed feature on top of her gorgeous head, I LOVE IT.  I love curly headed goodness and can definitely dig it. I love this dress. It looks like one of my kids drawings with a black crayon on wrapping paper.  Ms. Berry can make anything look good.

J:  Laughter.  What’s wrong with her?

Mom: NOPE.

Nicole Kidman

It’s very rare when Ms. Kidman DOES NOT hit the mark.  She is a risk taker and knows what is fashion forward. I love this dress and the detail. I also love the lipstick.  Perfect. Thank you for hemming your dress correctly.

Mom:  She looks washed out.

J: I like that one.

Mom:  Would look better in black.

Octavia Spencer

What a lady! I don’t normally like feathers that much, but she makes it look good! I love the top and I love the sleeves slightly below the shoulder.

Mom:  It’s ok. But I don’t like feathers.

Sara Bareilles

She is stunning! I love the shape of this dress, I love the color, I love the simple jewelry. She has great hair.  I just adore her.

Mom: I don’t like those pointy things above the boobs.

J:  Pretty.

Taraji P. Henson

Sexy sexy sexy. I think Ms. Henson hits every mark with this dress.  Perfect fit, shoes, right amount of slit on the leg, boobage, shoudlers and jewelry.  She looks amazing.

J:  Uh…. No.

Mom: It’s a nice dress, but doesn’t look good on her.

Hailee Steinfield

This dress looks like a fairy’s cotton candy dream.  I love it.  She has really grown up in the last couple of years.  What a beauty!

Mom: It’s ok. At least the leaves cover the strategic areas.

Alicia Vikander

I always say it.  I LOVE lace when it’s done right.  This dress looks like a mixture between Westworld and Julia Roberts’s cocktail dress in Pretty Woman. Not a bad combination.

Daddy:  Maybe.

Mom. I like it better than the last dress.

Ruth Negga

I LOVE LOVE LOVE Ruth Negga.  Have you seen the series, Preacher? You should.  Do it. Don’t wait. It’s awesome. She’s awesome. It’s a bowl full of awesome sauce. I love this dress for the following reasons:  It’s the perfect color for her.  It has such a romantic feel.  Oddly, I don’t mind the sleeves. I love the high neck.  I love her hair with the red drops. I love the makeup. I love the earrings. I love Ruth Negga.

J: She’s an interesting actress.  I don’t know about the dress.  I like the turtleneck but I wish the top part wasn’t meshy.

And #1 spot goes to………. It’s a real shocker (NOT!)

Viola Davis

Hands down one of my favorites ever in the world.  She is stellar! I love this dress. I love the sleeves. I love the tie back neck. I love her hair. I’m Viola’s #1 fan! Congrats on your big win! Did you all know that she first black actor to win Oscar, Emmy, and Tony for acting? Long overdue! Can’t wait to see where you go from here, Ms. Davis!

Daddy:  I like this dress.

J:  She looks good.

Mom:  AWESOME.

 

It would be a shame not to mention our beloved Bill Paxton. We lost such an awesome talent last weekend. We are never guaranteed tomorrow, and should always live life as if it is our last day.  He certainly did that.  An actor with an impressive repertoire of film and tv roles, he made his performances shine and memorable. The first time I ever saw Bill Paxton in a film, he was the big brother in Weird Science.  He was PERFECT for that role. I could tell he didn’t take himself too seriously either.  It was awesome. One of my most favorite 80s flicks.

 

 

The second was Aliens and the big scene with “Game over, man!”

 

 

Then who could forget him peeing his pants as Ah-nold threatens him over the dam in True Lies.

 

 

Then came Twister.  What a great flick.  I love that movie and he made it great alongside Helen Hunt.  One of my favorite scenes:

 

 

Apollo 13 is always a favorite and he was great in that with Kevin Bacon and Tom Hanks.

 

 

 

He was so great in so many roles …. The sub Captain of U571, the villain in Vertical Limit, treasure hunter in Titantic, Morgan Earp in Tombstone … if he was in it, I would always watch it. You will be missed by so many, Mr. Paxton.  Thank you for the wonderful movies you left behind so we may continue to enjoy your enormous talent.

With mad respect,

Allye

Golden Globes 2017!!! No joke. I look forward to this show EVERY – SINGLE – Year! I want to see golden eggs and trainwrecks.  This show, the fashion was probably a little more “meh” than “wowzers.” However, there were some truly beautiful moments and some (what I am guessing) extremely expensive drapes turned into awkward gowns. One gown in particular took a cue from one of the greatest fashion icons ever, some others took cues from their Great Aunt Ida’s living room drapes.  As my dear pal Joy Noel said, “This is the year of unnecessary, hideous sleeves.”  We will see a lot of those . . .

A side note. I apologize as this is almost a month late.  When I started my Naptime Fashion Reviews back in 2012, they were just that.  I wrote them while my oldest baby slept . . . Fast forward 5 years, a move to another state, two kids later with a full time job working for absolutely some of the best people I have ever met or worked for, and I find myself short on time.  Thankfully, my readers are understanding and wonderful so I know you’ll understand my tardiness to the party . . . but never fear, as long as there are award shows, I will be ready to give my uneducated opinion on the subject.  I’ve got several guest reviewers lending their thoughts.  Let’s get started.

**copyright claim** all photos are courtesy of just about every single entertainment website on the internet.

LIVING LEGENDS

Bernadette Peters

 

She is just exquisite. I adore her and I LOVE this dress with the purple accented designs.

Bonus Comments: 

J: Whooooooa mama! Yes.

Eve: It’s safe, but it’s not bad.

 

Goldie Hawn 

I love this dress.  And she looks fabulous. I love her hair, I love the sleeves.  Take note all you young Hollywood folk! If you are going to do sleeves, this is how you do it right! (I’m looking at you Mayim Bialik!)

Bonus Comments:

Phil: Stiffler’s mom.

Evie:  Everything is so boring and already done.

 

 

Angela Bassett

This woman does NOT age.  She’s such a talent and ALWAYS pretty much flawless on the red carpet.

Bonus comments:

J: She is STILL a gorgeous woman. Gorgeous woman.

Phil: That accentuates her figure VERY well.

Eve: I can’t get on board with the mermaid dresses. However, she pulls it off nicely.  I like the shoulders.

 

Meryl Streep

Congrats on your distinguished award, Ms. Streep! Well deserved.  I love the stained glass motif you have going on here.  Also, I think your daughter is quite talented and would LOVE to see more from her too! ❤

 

WORST DRESSED

Anna Chlumsky

Look, I really dig Anna. I think she has got great comedic timing, and I just think she is adorable over all. However, she needs to return whatever room she stole these drapes from to make this dress. It’s not flattering.  The color is ok.   It’s almost a toga gone bad . . . like this:

 

In fact, I wish she HAD worn this.  At least then it would have been interesting and I could have put you in the RISK TAKER pile. I even dig the pink. I don’t like the cut out, but because it’s Star Trek, I’ll give it a pass.

Bonus comments: 

Phil – Green toga.

J – What’s she doing with her face?

Eve: Bedsheets.

Kerry Washington

Ah yes, Kerry Washington.  At least she is putting forth some effort unlike most programs she has attended.  Complete and utter trainwreck.  The only thing going for her is the color. I do like the yellow/goldish color on her. If I am being honest, the dress with the shoulders looks like a fungus that grew off of a piece of random ducktape on my kids’ floaties in my mustard algae laced pool in the summertime.  Seriously, I don’t even know what that accent on her waist is.  I zoomed in, and I got nuthin’.  Also, I’m not into see through crap (AS YOU ALL KNOW!) where it shows the underwear/bodice. Leave something to the imagination. Unless, you’re Madonna.  Then don’t. We’ve seen it all before. Because you’re Madonna. Also, I love Scandal.  I try my best to resist because it’s really not as good as it was when it started (pretty unbelievable).  But I can’t.  It’s a guilty pleasure and I am so glad to have Ms. Pope back in action.

Bonus Comments:

Phil: Looks like armor in WoW.

Evie: It looks like something you would wear to a middle school dance.

Phil: Don’t lke the lipstick.

Joy Noel: Kerry Washington’s dress looks like a kid slapped duck tape on it.

Kristen Wiig

Oh boy.  Lace. I LOVE lace if done correctly.  This dress is pretty much one of the worst dresses I have seen to date.  Why do people in Hollywood insist on becoming a doily?  I can appreciate the short hair, but I really love Ms. Wiig’s hair long. Also, I hate see through crap.

Bonus Comment:

J: Good one. She’s so funny!

Monica Belucci

This woman is a GORGEOUS lady. This dress is hideous.  She could have worn any color in the rainbow and it would have been better than this.  It just washes her out and makes her look sick. If the dress wasn’t overdone with all the fabric, I think I would have liked it more. Too much fabric from Aunt Ida’s living room.

 

Natalie Portman

I think she’s playing off of her performance as Jackie O, and I get what she’s trying to do. She’s preggo.  I’d love for her to take a cue from fellow preggo Gal Gadot (see much later in the review) and show off that buttercup. There are several things wrong with this whole package:  1) the color is ALL sorts of wrong for her, 2) the lipstick is REALLY not a good color for her, 3) and her expression in nearly every picture at the globes makes it apparent that she just doesn’t want to be there. She almost looks confused or that this awards show is an after thought. I used to love Natalie on the red carpet. Not so much here.

Bonus Comments:

J: She’s obviously lost her mind.

Phil: Highlight the bump. Don’t hide it with that.

Ruth Negga

Ms. Negga is one of my most FAVORITE actresses of the moment.  Have you seen Preacher?  Do yourself a favor and binge it. This dress is less than to be desired. I’m not a fan of zippers. I had an unfortunate incident with a zipper when I was a kid. I never will like zippers. However, I will say that Ms. Negga’s makeup is FLAWLESS.  I loved you in Warcraft and SOOOOO hope they make sequel.  Ish-noo a-lah!

Bonus Comments:

J: I don’t get this dress either.

Phil: She looks like French doors.

Sophie Turner

Girl, get some clothes on.  Winter is coming.

 

Winona Ryder

I actually like this dress a little. It remind me of my senior prom dress if it was strapless and not spaghetti strapped.  See?

 

(Shout out to the Cooleys!  I love my Cooley fam! <3)

Ms. Ryder, the issue I have with this outfit is the confidence factor.  If you are going to wear it, own it.  Put those shoulders back, take a 5-hour and show us you got this.  While I was bored with Stranger Things, I do hope you come back for Season 2.  I did appreciate your small part in in it.

Bonus Comment: 

Evie: Oh my gosh I love this.  Her hair looks so soft and flowing, the dress is classy, basic, but timeless.

Risk Takers and Trends

 

THE PALE

 

Carrie Underwood

Alrighty. Lets address the elephant in the room.  The collar of this dress does not look like a vagina.  C’mon people.  I can’t believe some people actually said that it did.  Number one, she looks gorgeous despite the busy bodice and the needless cutouts. People should be praising her for not wearing another strapless prom dress.  Thank you for hemming your dress correctly too.  Whatever you pay your seamstress, give her a bump in her salary.

Bonus Comments:

Evie: The skirt doesn’t fit with her body type. Makes her look stocky and awkward when she’s not!

Phil: She looks like a cake.

J: She looks like a mess.

Evie: It’s god awful.

Claire Foy

Have you all ever seen the 1980’s movie High Spirits with Steve Guttenburg and Daryl Hannah?  To make a long story short, it’s a great little movie about ghosts in an Irish castle.  Daryl Hannah plays a ghost who was murdered in the castle and she just looks all pale and dead (as she is supposed to look).  See?

 

Ms. Foy looks dead in this dress and in this picture. Between the color of the dress, her beautiful pale skin and her lighter hair, it just doesn’t jive. Congrats on your win though! I LOVVVVVEED The Crown. Watched it in one weekend.

Bonus Comments:

J: Man. Someone call 911.

Evie: I don’t like the belt or the poofy sleeves.

Emma Stone

Striking.  WONDERFUL color and the metallic prints are really a lovely touch. Not much more to say other than, I love you and I want to be your best friend. If only you could see that we would make GREAT buds.

 

Felicity Jones

#SoGross

Bonus Comments: 

Evie: She could do so much better.

Phil: It looks like drapes.

J: She knows nobody cares about her. **sad face**

JBIRD’s BEST DRESSED

Gwendoline Christie

Quite possibly one of my favorite actresses of the moment.  My husband loves her and is on his list (You know, “the list” wink wink). His knee jerk reaction was: “I would climb that mountain.”  She can do no wrong in our eyes. I also want to be your best friend.

Bonus Comment:

Evie:  This looks gorgeous on her.  It’s flattering on her, the color looks just like her skintone but just a shade peachier. Love it. I think it’s my favorite.

 

Gal Gadot

I, for one, cannot WAIT until the Wonder Woman movie comes out.  She is perfect for that part.

Bonus Comment:

J: “I have a knee.” Gal Gadot-ver here.

 

THE PANTS

 

Evan Rachel Wood

I LOVE THIS WOMAN. I really really really do. I love this. It’s SO her. She reminds me of mega-risk taker Diane Keaton crossed with the glamourous Julia Roberts. Seriously, I love this whole outfit.  She is pretty awesome because she pulls it off so well. I won’t lie. I have a girl crush on her – I’ve been in love with her since True Blood. ❤

Bonus Comments:

J: What’s she so happy about?

Evie: I think it’s great that she has the courage to wear pants instead of skirts and dresses. I love her in Westworld. She’s amazing!

Kathryn Hahn

I’ve loved this gal since she was Miguel Ferrer’s love interest on Crossing Jordan. (RIP Miguel Ferrer. Best Voice of Death ever). I like this look on her, but she needs to hem her pants and needs a different hairdo.  She’s a fun gal and honestly, she could pull off pretty much any look.

 

Octavia Spencer

 

While I love a good pant look, and I adore Navy Blue for Ms. Spencer, I wanted to see her in a gown.  She is one of my favorite actresses and I want to see her go old Hollywood style with a beautiful flowing skirt and capped sleeves . . . I can’t wait to see what she wears to the Oscars. I love her.

 

THE PRINTS

Riley Keough

Some might ask . . . “Who is this chick?” Well, she’s The King’s granddaughter.  That’s right, this is Lisa Marie’s kiddo.  She’s been in all sorts of things and is a budding actress.  The recent Mad Max movie is one I remember her in. Good for her. The dress is not totally unfortunate. However, it’s not something I personally would not go into the shop and say “OO! Let’s wear this broomstick-ish skirt with triangles.”  Nice effort though. It’s not boring, that’s for sure.

Bonus Comment:

J: She’ll never amount to anything.

Janelle Monae

This gal gets it.  While I don’t LOVE this dress, this is what I want to see. I want to see something other than a safe little diddy.  What I do love about this dress:  The sparkles, the hair, she’s got great posture and she owns this moment.  I can’t wait to see you in Hidden Figures.  Looking forward to it. Bravo.

Bonus Comments:

Phil: Prom. She’s looks like she is in shape.

Evie. It’s not boring. I just don’t like the mullet skirt.

Giuliana Rancic

I love this.  For some reason it reminds me of The Secret Garden.  I do love it though.  Giuliana, not so much.  But it does look nice on her.

Bonus Comment:

J: Shrunken rat-face indicates inbreeding in most cultures.

 

The Metallics

Elsa Pataky

This is Thor’s wifey.  She looks amazing.  Everything except the sheer crap.  Lose it, you would have been on the best dressed list.

Bonus Comment:

Evie: I like it.

Naomie Harris

Va-Vooom!  This is what you wear to an award’s show y’all. Absolutely in line with Allye’s Code of Fashion.  Hands down, Ms. Harris wins best hair.  Lovely.

Bonus Comments:

J: I think she’s had botox. Used to be prettier.

Evie:  It’s very futuristic.

 

The Plunge  

Kristen Bell

 

Ah yes.  One of my absolute favorites in Hollywood right now.  I love this . I love the sparkle. I love earrings, I love the hair. Is this a pansuit or a skirt? I can’t really tell. I don’t really care. I’m distracted by the sparkles… oo shiney!

 

Jessica Biel

 

Someone should have lint rolled you before you got out of the car.  Something is on your skirt.

Bonus Comment:

J: That’s just stupid looking.

Phil: Is that cleavage or chest? What is that?

Kristen Cavellieri

YES. So much yes.  Boobs, snug fit sparkly dress and great hair.  A+.

Bonus Comments:

Phil: Boobs.

J: Boobs.

BEST DRESSED

13. Chrissy Tiegan

 

I’m not a fan of Ms. Tiegan. However, I do like that she is wearing something pretty interesting. I also like the color scheme of this whole dress and the fabric. It’s not the prettiest dress in the bunch, but it is one of the best.

 Bonus Comments: 

J: is she the boss from Serpentshrine Cavern?

E: I think this is really cool. What an interesting silhouette and fabric. Me likey!

12. Drew Barrymore

Ah, Ms. Barrymore.  I’ve ALWAYS felt she and I could be BFFs.  I love this dress. The sleeves reminds me of a Japanese fan. Ms. Barrymore always looks so well put together.  Except that one time where her boobies were flopping all over Hollywood Blvd. See?

 

We all can make mistakes. Some of us happen to make them on national television.

Bonus Comments:

Evie: Very Gatsby.

Phil: Fishscale.

J: Super medicated.

 

11. Lily Collins

Lovely.  Ms. Collins is really coming into her own with her  fashion choices.  The only thing I wish she would do is get rid of the bold red lipstick.  Maybe it’s just me, but she tends to wear that all the time.

Bonus Comments:

Phil: Pluck the eyebrows.  I like the lipstick on her.  I like the dress.

Evie:  I like this one. The upper part looks like it is just magically suspended or appliquéd on her somehow.  This is GORGEOUS! I wish she had gone with a burgundy lipstick instead of red to match the dress color tone.

J: And I’ve been waiting for this moment all my life. Oh, Lord. Oh, Lord.

10. Nicole Kidman

YES.  This is what you wear when you are a superstar and you are married to country royalty.  YES.  So much yes.  This is like… old school Hollywood glam meets 1920s flapper with a touch of Star Trek TNG crossed with Dolly Parton from the 1980s from her Real Love album.  Pretty much all the styles and people  I adore.  I love you Ms. Kidman. This is why you get paid the big bucks.

Bonus Comments:

Phil: I could do without the straps.

J: Hey there.

9. Priyanka Chopra

This woman is basically a living Wonder Woman. She is so gorgeous.  Seriously stunning.  I love this gold color against her dark hair (though I wish it was just a **little** more styled and not so stringy.  She’s still beautiful and the details on the dress . . . Pretty darn near perfect.

Bonus Comments:

J: I don’t think she understands what she is here for. She doesn’t understand what it is.

Evie: She hit all the major checkpoints for an event dress.  It just doesn’t work.

8. Jessica Chastain

Look at this sky blue gown with the detailed flowers. PERFECTLY hemmed. Ms. Chastain ALWAYS knows the colors that are perfect against her red locks.  I love the straps right on the shoulders and the plunging neckline with the necklace.  A+

Bonus Comments:

J: I’m not opposed to this.

Phil: She’s got a great shelf.

J: I like how the flower things are on one side.

Phil: The color compliments her.

Evie: I agree.

7. Karrueche Tran

I’ll admit it.  I have no idea who Ms. Tran is, but I love her dress and I love the color.  And it matches my newly pink hair, so she gets a mention.   And, take a look at my hair.

 

Isn’t it gorgeous? Be sure to go see Haley Martin at Twisted Scissors Salon in Hartselle, Alabama. No joke, the best hair stylist I’ve ever been to.

6. Sofia Vergara

This is a bit of a no brainer.  She is ALWAYS on my best dressed.  She knows how to kill it on the red carpet:  1) She knows what looks she can pull off 2) she wears interesting dresses that are either full of detail or of minimalist design (letting her assets compliment the dress) 3) she knows her colors.   To be honest, girl could wear a paper bag and make it look just about the sexiest thing in the world.  I love the metallic detail and the open shoulders.  Open shoulders are sooooooo sexy.  I love them.

 Bonus Comment:

Evie: I love this. Not sure what the dress is made out of but I want it. I love that she went minimal with accessories; this dress is so visually striking that anything added would be too much. Another favorite!

J: Yes, please.

5. Mandy Moore

I love the plunge, I love the cape draping over her shoulders and resting as a train, I love the earrings and her hair.  The whole gown screams sophistication. Child stars take note. Follow her lead.  Boy, this lady has come along way from her Candy video.

 

 

Bonus Comment:

Phil: I like it.  Don’t like the cape.  I like the v-plunge.

J: No.

Evie: Low plunges are definitely in right now.  J-Lo neckline.

 

4. Blake Lively

Grecian Goddess. She looks AMAZING and she just gave birth like a couple of months ago.  Jeez! A woman’s body is so incredible. I don’t dig the pockets on this dress but I DO appreciate the vibe she is going for here and she is probably the only person in recent months to wear a primarily velour dress and pull it off like a pro. If I wore velour, it would probably end up looking straight up medieval England style:

 

Yea.  Why do I comment on fashion?  I don’t even know myself.

Bonus Comments:

Evie: I love this. Pockets in a dress. Perfection.  Bracelet choice is interesting. I love the train.

J: I don’t care. Forgettable.

 

3. Viola Davis

This woman is FIERCE. I absolutely adore Ms. Davis.  This color, the fabric, her clutch, her face, her smile, her talent…. Viola. Always one of my favorites.

 

2. Reese Witherspoon

My fellow Tennessean! The color is just gorgeous and crisscross bodice is so fitting.  She is always so tasteful and well put together. She’s made my best dressed more than once!

Bonus Comments:

Phil: Simple and elegant.

Evie: It’s not mustard yellow like Natalie’s.

Phil: Easy to mess up a yellow.

 

AND MY #1 Best Dressed goes to…….

1. Naomi Campbell

 

When I come into an awards show, I want to see something that is original.  Something that will stand a part from everyone else.  Naomi has that here. The color, the touch of sparkle, the one shoulder strap (with texture!) and the sexy slit … and the train.  Girl knows what works. Bravo!

Bonus Comments:

Phil: That is cool right there.  Best dress I’ve seen.

Evie: I love that the black stripes are sparkley and create kind of an optical illusion.

——————————

There you have it! What’s up next?  Grammys? Then the Oscars?  Check back here for those reviews! If you want to read back on past reviews check up in my Naptime Fashion Review section!

Thanks to my buddies Evie, Phil and Joy Noel and the love my life, Jbird,  for lending their thoughts and comments.

What did you think?  Leave a message in the comments and share on your Facebook page!

Go out and pay it forward.  Spread some love.

My annual Oscar Fashion Review!  Holy cow, have the last several award shows been complete and utter snoozefests? I have to admit, I have been bored by the last several award ceremonies which resulted in quite possibly the world’s worst blog posts in history during that time of my life.  With that said, this will not be one of those posts. I had the distinct honor serving on a three-part panel for this year’s Academy Awards Fashion Discussion.  Along with my fearless, fashion icon of a husband, Jbird (wearing traditional safety couture with a hard hat on his head), we were joined by our delicious and gorgeous pal, Eve.  Together, we were able to separate the winners from the stinkers and the homeruns from the wonkers. With that said, lets get into it.  ENJOY!

WAH WAH WAH

Charlotte Rampling

Allye: It looks like one of those mid 90s optical illusion posters that incite a migraine. “I see a 3D ship!”  Also… her periwinkle shoes.

Eve:  Those are rough.

Allye:  No doubt.

Eve:  It looks like a Sodoku puzzle.  Like the first worn Sodoku puzzle.

J: No, I think I saw her wear that on Star Trek in 1969, but there was a cotton candy wig and some acrylic jewelry involved . . .

 

Daisy Ridley

Allye:  This just makes me disappointed.  It looks like a tea dress made out of foot fungus.

Eve: Just seeing her in it makes me tired. It looks SO heavy.

J: Nice! Repurposed Star Destroyer insulating wrap for the win! But, seriously, she’s new. And I’d totally do her.

 

Emily Blunt

Allye: It looks like she is trying to hide her baby bump.  Be proud sista! Bump it all over Hollywood and Vine!

Eve:  It looks like a pastel version of one of my middle school show choir dresses.  What a dated silhouette for this dress.  I wore something like this in middle school and my mom made me a dress like this in black for concert choir. I loved it back then, but that was the 90s.

Allye:  Interesting.  Susie, call me.

Eve:  It’s the same silhouette.

J: Meh, I like it. Looks soft and comfy.

 

Jennifer Garner

Eve:  I didn’t even recognize her.

Allye:  I’m not feeling the sash on her right side.  I need something else. Like a totally different dress.

Eve: Her dress looks like Two Face from Batman. Like one half is straight and serious the other high is flowy and interesting.

J: I HATE Ben Affleck. Always have. Always will. She looks so over life. I hate it for her. (psst, Jenny. I can save you . . .)

 

Jennifer Jason Leigh

Allye: She’s so boring I don’t even want to do her.

Phil (Eve’s husband):  I’ll do her.

Eve: Gross.

J: Dude, she’s totalling gassy right now. Look at that stance. She’s gotta be holding her breath waiting for a chance to squeak one out. Jennifer Jason Squeeeeeee!

 

Julianne Moore

Eve: Too geometric for me.

Allye: I like the S&M shoulder straps, but she mixed this up with her Grandma’s black table runner and it kinda kills it for me.

J: Nope.

 

Kelly Ripa

Eve: God her skin is amazing. IF we were juding her by skin, she would win everything.  I want her arms.

Allye: Yea, she’s got great arms. Dress looks gross though.  It’s painfully awful.

J: Looks like she’s about to fall down. #toodrumkfortehozcars –

 

Maria Menounos

Eve: It looks like snakeskin – franken dresses patched together.

Allye: It looks like it is modeled after a finger print.

J: Don’t know her, but not a bad dress. Should be a dark red or plum with the line things silver.

 

 

Nancy O’Dell

Eve: No. Just no. I thought we were done with velvet dresses.

Allye:  She looks like she stole her dress from a velvet elvis. She’s usually on my best dressed.  How quickly they fall. That dress just ain’t it. I actually can deal with the velvet.  The sheer see through crap and the big shoulder bling blows.

J: I don’t care. But I’m stealing “Velvet Elvis.” That should be the name of a modern-day short story set in the Louisiana swamp about a teen-age boy left on his in the world when his great uncle died last year in a boating accident. It’s almost a year later before the CPS/social worker can even find where this kid lives. He’s sixteen now and hiding out from her, because he hears she’s been around, asking questions . . .

 

Olivia Munn

Eve: I actually like that one. I like that color.

Allye:  I hate it. I hate the color.

Eve: I thought we were done with the one shoulder in the early 2000s.

Allye: I think the one shoulder is nice. But Coral/Orange is NOT ok.

J: Tangerine sherbert popsicle, and not a brand name kind. Generic, Real Value. Tastes like water.

 

Olivia Wilde

 

Eve: She’s got wings.  She’s gonna fly away.

Allye: She’s got a killer back.

Eve:  Have you seen the front?

Allye: It’s got that square plunge.

Eve:  She’s free ballin’ it. Woman style.

J: Front would be nice . . . I like fronts.

 

Rooney Mara

Allye:  Holes. Stupid holes.

Eve: You and keyholes.

Allye: Keyholes? That’s what it’s called.

Eve: It’s like a bad “Say Yes, to the Dress.”

Allye: She’s still going for that “I’m not interesting, but I’m so mysterious that I’m boring” personality. Rooney, you’ll never be Noomi Rapace.

J: Totally trying to copy Noomi’s blank, soulless gaze of the dead here. You nailed it with the nail her train is caught on just out of frame.

 

Sofia Vergara

Eve:  There’s nothing original about it. I could go to Dillard’s and find that in the “Old Lady” wear.

Allye: Lets be honest.  Sofia is pizza. Even when she’s a stinker, she’s still kinda good. However, I’d like to see something instead of strapless sweetheart necklines.

J: Sexy pizza.

 

The Stinkers

 

Amy Poehler

Allye: Nightmares of a Geisha.

Eve:  That’s Amy? I thought that was Adele.

Allye:  HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

J: Lot of voice work lately . . .

 

Gianna Simone

Allye:  My opera professor told me NEVER EVER EVER wear flower patterns while on the stage or red carpet.  SO TRUE. This dress is offensive.

Eve: Hey Demi Moore, what’s up?

Allye:  That’s not Demi Moore.

Eve: Everything about this is so awful.  My eyes hurt just looking at it.

J: Eh, those eyes are the devil!

 

Heidi Klum

Allye:  Did she have an affair with a punk swan in a pool of tie dye ink?

Eve:  I love it. I think she looks very ethereal. It’s whimsical. It looks like she could just float around on a cloud of tulle. And I think the color is complementary.

Allye: She is floating around on a cloud of tulle. That sleeve…. Oy.

J: She got caught in the shower curtain one day and thought it looked great, so . . .

 

Kate Winslet

Allye:  It looks like licorice fondue.

Eve:  Did she get dipped in black tar or varnish? It looks like a vinyl record.

J: dumb, and I think she knows it.

 

Kerry Washington

Eve:  THIS. IS. SPARTA!!!!!!

Allye: “SPARTANS!  WHAT IS YOUR PROFESSION!?”

J: Doubles as roleplay gear!

 

Margot Robbie

Eve:  This was spray painted on. And not in the good kind of way.  It looks like she was poured into that dress.

Allye:  Kinda like Mystique. Except without the boobs.

J: lame

 

BEST DRESSED Y’ALL! 

 

10. Alicia Vikander

Allye:  This dress grew on me. It looked REALLY nice on stage. I like the pillow or ballooning technique.. is that what it’s called?

Eve: Yea, this dress definitely grew on me.

Allye: Like Belle in Beauty and the Beast.

Eve:  I love the color and the way it moved.  I was little nervous bout the mullet skirt but it worked.

Allye:  YES. MULLET SKIRT.  Where can I get one of those?

J: Don’t know who she is, but doesn’t work for me. Knobby forehead, twiggy joints. Blek.

 

9. Tina Fey

Allye: She looks AMAZING.  You can’t see her hair, but man, it looked PERFECT.

Eve:  It all came together.  The color. The syle. The jewelry.  Classy all the way. Well done.

Allye:  YES.  That necklace.  YES.  YES. YES.

J: Looking good.

 

8. Priyanka Chopra

 

Allye:  God. She is a gorgeous lady.  I love this.  I love the belt and I love the choice of lip color.  I love the design.

Eve: I like the train. I was thinking at first it was too “wedding’Y.” She’s got legs for days.

Allye:  I hate sheer crap. But I love this.

J: Gorgeous.

 

7. Reese Witherspoon

Eve: Year of Purple.  Big theme this year.

Allye: I for one don’t mind the purple.  CORAL, I mind. GOD I hate Coral.  It is literally the vomit color of the red carpet.

Eve:  I love a good pumpkin CORAL – like orange-ish color.

Allye: Puke.  I freakin’ HATE CORAL. I think it looks like vomit after sitting on the carpet for a couple of hours.   With that said, I think Reese looks GREAT except for the weird boob cups. Don’t they look like aluminum foil boob cups?

Eve: I wish I could see it from the side. Maybe it’s supposed to be like that. Hopefully it’s intentional.

Allye:  Reese, you look almost flawless.  Fix the boob cups.

J: Never liked her.

 

 6. Jennifer Lawrence

 

Eve: I really love this. I really hated it at first but once I took a deeper look, I think it looks really stunning on her. It’s different. We haven’t seen anything like this on her.  I love her blonde hair too.

Allye: I love the sheer lace? Is that lace? I think it’s lace or something.  I just love it.  The last couple of dresses have looked like bridesmaid dresses.

J: Loser dress. Not buying it.

 

5. Charlize Theron

 

Allye:  Not gonna lie.  I was not feeling this until I saw the necklace. I do like the color and the skirt & train.

Eve: I hated this until I saw the necklace detail and saw her wear it on stage and I changed my mind and it’s really stunning. I love the red on her. It looks gorgeous. Boobs. 

J: very nice.

 

4. Naomi Watts

 

Allye:  She looks like the best version of a mermaid EVER.  I love the necklace and the neckline.  Gawd, I love the sequined skirt. AND THAT MAN on her arm. He’s on my list.  Let it be known, J.

Eve:  I’ve just never seen anything like it.  It’s just really cool. I love the ombre.

Allye:  Lets all be honest here.  Really, we love Liev Screiber.  End of story.

J: Cool how long they’ve been together. Always liked them both.

 

3. Lady Gaga

 

Eve:  It’s pants! It’s a dress! It’s a pants-dress! And I love it!! We are almost getting into camel toe territory, but we’re not quite there yet.  I do find this interesting.

Allye: I LOVE THIS.  I love the fabric coming out of the waist (whatever that is called).  I love the pants.  Her boobs looka bit wonkified in this but the neckline is so cool.. but.. circling back to her boobs, did they deflate?  Awesome hair.

J: Over it.

 

 2. Brie Larson

 

Allye: This is why I love Oscar fashion.  This is amazing! That BELT! The hair! Who is she? Who cares. It’s great.

Eve: I think this is my favorite dress out of the whole event.  She just looks REALLY polished and the textures are cool and the neckline is creative. I don’t usually do belts on dresses but it fits. The color is stunning.

J: Don’t know her, but nice dress. Looks like she might be a good person. Looks like a real smile.

Allye: She just won Best Actress.  Congrats Brie!

 

1. Cate Blanchett

Allye:  YES.  THIS IS OSCAR FASHION.  This is what an Oscar gown SHOULD be.  The detail, the color, the appropriateness. The train.  The jewelry.  The hair.  PERFECTION at its best.  This is it.  Young wannabe actresses take note.  If you want to make a statement on the red carpet, look up Cate Blanchet.

Eve: I do love this. This is definitely in my top two of the whole event. It’s a throw back to classic movie style. It pushes the envelope to over the top and extremely elegant on her. And that SEAFOAM green!! It’s banging!!!!! Well played!!!!!

J: She is mocking me . . . look at that face, those cheekbones. She mocks me.

Allye: On second thought young actresses of the world… lets forget about this dress… it looks like she got tangled in the foam insulation up in the attic again.  Delete this dress from your memory.

 

Well y’all,  that’s it for this Oscar Review.  I cannot wait for the Met Gala… that’s quite possibly my favorite.  This year’s theme is: “Manus x Machina”.  This all goes down on May 2^nd…. cannot wait!

As we enter the heart of the political season, I’d like to leave you with a thought in regards to the golden rule.  This is something my husband said to me while putting up a bunch of grocery carts at WalMart several weeks ago. You know when the corral is overflowing with grocery carts when they haven’t been retrieved in a while?  That was basically what we were dealing with. He was rearranging them all so they wouldn’t hit any cars including ours.  At the time I said to him, “You are such a good person.” And he said to me something that is so true.  “Nah, I’m just not an asshole.”  So I say, be like Jbird. Don’t be an asshole. Go forth my people!

YAY! 2016 is here and so is award season!  God I love award season. Most of the time. Tonight’s red carpet arrivals were slightly underwhelming in every department. I hope that this isn’t a trend for rest of the award show season.  With that said, I present to you this year’s Golden Globe’s review.

Here we go!

**copyright claim** all photos are courtesy of just about every single entertainment website on the internet.

Blue is the New Green for Redheads

Bryce Dallas Howard

BOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRINNNNNNNGGGGGG.

 

Julianne Moore

I like her a lot.  But the weird awkward neckline makes this dress a bit uncomfortable for me.

 

 

At this point, I’ll ask my husband Jbird to chime in.

WTF.  REALLY PEOPLE. WTF!?

Amy Landecker

A:  She looks like she is planning for a backyard BBQ  instead of Golden Globes.  The stripes do nothing for her either.

Jbird: Heeeeeey, you see my leg??

Caitriona Balfe

A: Looks part Underworld/part Twilight mixed with a really bad nightgown.

Jbird: An ugly doll at an ugly doll convention for the gothic losers.

Calista Flockhart

A: This chick landed Han Solo. Oy. I had a chance.

Jbird: Are those gold ducks on her dress? It’s like a gold duck dress from the Illiad. Or maybe it’s geese and it’s an homage to Zeus.

Cate Blanchett

A: Is she doing a country singer biopic that I’m not aware of? I like tassles just as much as the next southern belle, but I’m not sure what to make of this dress. It’s like it was made by a 1920s seamstress in Dolly Parton’s studio from the early 80s. Right? Now, I love me some Dolly Parton… and I mean no disrespect.  But this dress ain’t doin’ it for me.  I do like her hair though.

Jbird: I feel sorry for her.

Giuliana Rancic

A:  Why is she still allowed on tv? And cut-outs Giuliana? Really? Haven’t we talked about this?

Jbird: Ralph.

Heidi Klum

A: Boring feather duster with weird cleavage please stand up.

Jbird: Heidi Klueless.

Louise Roe

A: You know those silver blankets that you see people put around people that are in shock after an accident?  That’s what this dress is made of.

Jbird:  “She’s like in the middle of an awkward junior high prom dance move and it’s 1989.”

A: This dress almost has a retro feel to it, but she can’t really pull it off.

Jbird: I can’t see the dress because her face is in the way. Make it stop.

(My husband is not a fan…….. can you tell?)

Maril Davis

A: Turn around, walk off the red carpet and hire a stylist whoever you are.

Jbird: Oh it’s that guy from that hair band. Didn’t they break up?

Natalie Dormer

A: Why does she always look like she is ready to eat the camera?

Jbird: She looks like she is on some bad acid right now.

 

Wiz Khalifa

A: I know that looking laid back is kind of your thing Wiz, but this is the Golden Globes.  Get some socks, tighten up your tie, take off the glasses and act like somebody. Don’t show up to an awards show looking like you rolled out of bed. This isn’t MTV.

Jbird: Somebody get this man outta here.

 

 

The Others

Carly Chaikin

A: Trying out for Little Mermaid?

Jbird: I’ve been sent here from Atlantis.

Judith Light

A: Why does anyone think it’s glamorous to where a pantsuit to an award show?

Jbird: She’s so cool.

Olivia Palermo

A: She looks like she wrapped herself in a flag.

Jbird: The Italian flag perhaps?

Eva Longoria

Jbird: Hip Spangles meet Duck Face.

Eva Green

Jbird: Ewwww, look at me. I’m so droll. Look at me in my droll dress being so fabulously droll. I’m totally drolling this party. I’m a party droll.  Meahherh..

Living Legends

Bernadette Peters

A: Love me some Bernadette Peters.

Jbird: Man I’ve always had a thing for bernadette peters.  Fine wine.  “rowr.”

Helen Mirren

A: LOVE Helen in pretty much anything she wears.

Jbird: Classy.

Jamie Lee Curtis

A: I love JLC.  However,  I have issues with her stylist.

Jbird: She looks like she is shrinking.

Lily Tomlin

A: Love Lily.  With that said, you know those choir dresses from college (Tech Chorale peeps.. ya feel me?) … enough said.

Jbird: Tablecloth

Patrick Stewart

A: So hot. Still on my list. Along with Tom Selleck and Chris Pine.

Jbird: Good day, sir. Snazzy.

Sure Bet.

Amy Adams

A:  FINALLY.  Something other than a strapless gown.  This is What I am talking about. If it wasn’t coral, you would be on my best dressed.  Alas, you can’t be perfect.

Jbird: It’s a nice color for her.  Traditional looking.

Angela Bassett

A: She. Does. Not. Age.

Jbird: Man, she’s gorgeous.

 

 

J-LO

A: I love my J-Lo. I love this dress.  Not crazy about the mustard yellow, but I do love this dress and the cape! So old school!

Jbird: She’s smoking hot but not crazy about the color.

Uzo Aduba

A:  LOVE LOVE LOVE.

Jbird: GOD YES. I NEED MORE UZO!

(We love Uzo.. can you tell!?)

 

BEST DRESSED!!!!!!

**Disclaimer** While these are the best dressed of the night, these are mediocre efforts at best. I’d suggest most of you should fire your stylist and hire someone else. It’s obvious your present one wants to destroy you.

Jaimie Alexander

A: I love this woman. She always wears the most interesting dresses. I love the plunging neckline, I love the color and the fabric.  Hate the pockets. I hate pockets in gowns. Lose the pockets.

Jbird: OHHH BABY.  Beautiful.  “snarl.”

Viola Davis

A:  SUCH a lady.  This dress looks wonderful on her, but it ages her.

Jbird: Man, there’s a lot going on in that dress. I like her.  But man.

Lavergne Cox

A: I like it more than most of the dresses this evening. She’s got her style down.

Jbird: It’s ok.

Maria Menounos

A: No surprise here. She is always on my best dressed.  She knows what’s what.  I love the hair and the boobs and the shoulder straps. All looks great.  The color is super boring though.

Jbird: Yea. Whatever.

Queen Latifah

A: She is always one of my favorites to watch. I love the color and I love the neckline.  Great package all around.

Jbird: She’s improved with age.

Kate Winslet

A: I love Kate.  I love the neck and the open shoulders.  I love the color too. Wonderful color for you.

Jbird: Nah … .not into it.

 

Meh.  Lackluster at best.  I TRULY hope that the traffic cone chick at last year’s Grammys comes back with a dress made out of plastic bags or something.  I’m gonna need something like that to get me through this award season.   Speaking of, if you are going to the Grammys this year (Hint hint Chris), I totally need a run down on a behind the scenes.

With all the comments said, we all know that the Grammys/Oscars/Met Ball are the real humdingers in this fashion world we live in.  Upward and onward!

Speaking of Oscars.. I will have a very special guest blogging with me on on the Oscars. My pal Eve!  It will be a hoot. Can’t wait!

Stay tuned ya’ll! More to come before 2016 award season is closed out!

It’s perfect that our pals are here visiting for two weeks.  We took the time to create this little review for all of you. I’ve always wanted to do a review of the Annual Met Gala.  Therefore… I present to you without much fanfare or fluff from the nitty gritty dirt gang with their unwanted, raw, real, fabulous opinions on today’s most forward fashion.

Presented to you in alphabetical order….

Amal Clooney

Allye: I like her, but it reminds me of a blood clot.

Marie: I liked it at first until you said it looked like a blood clot.

Allye: Sorry.

Amanda Seyfried

J: she looks like one of your cats Marie.

Ree Ree: I usually like her.

Mr. Jim: she looks like a sleeveless princess lea if you cut off her buns.

Consensus: She definitely looks like a weasel.

Anna Wintour

J: No moving on.

Anna Wood

Marie: This looks old, like you would wear in the 90s. Like a dress my mom would let me wear to church

J: 90s is old?

Marie: Well you know what I mean.

J: She thinks she looks really good in this dress.

Anne Hathaway

J: she looks like a shampoo bottle. And she’s just as interesting. She looks like she is from Planet V05 in the Vidal Sassoon System.

Marie: I don’t like it.

Beyonce

J: Someone get the tranq gun. That net’s not gonna slow her down.

Marie: B can do no wrong in my book.

Allye: I think she looks great!

Cara Delevingne

Marie: Ew.

J: are those tattoos real? If so, sorry. They aren’t working.

Cher

Allye:Morticia anyone?

J: she’s old as shit.

Marie: Looks like drapes.

Chloe Moretz

Marie: nobody wears chokers anymore. So 90s.

Allye: Um. I grew up in the 90s.

Chole Sevigny

J: she looks dirty. Her look almost says “pee on me a little bit, I don’t mind.”

Marie: Nasty. Very trashy.

Dianna Agron

Marie: I like that. But I don’t understand the crane.

J: the crane is a weird touch.

Marie: she looks classy though.

Allye: I hate cranes.

Elizabeth Banks

M: she’s trying to look like pink.

J: That guy? Makes her skin look orange.

Mr. Jim: looks like someone chopped up her snuggy.

Grimes

J: looks like that Beiber kid.

Hailee Steinfeld

J: Nice dress

Marie: Plain but I like it.

Helen Mirren

Allye: Classy broad

Marie: Classy.

J: She’s so hot. Nice jugglies.

Irina Shayk

Marie: Looks like a sky dancer

Ivanka Trump

Marie: I like that. I like the color. She look slike royalty.

J: Someone should tell her about that toilet paper sticking out of her dress. That’s embarrassing.

Jennifer Connelly

J: Nice.

Marie: I would like it better if it didn’t have shoulder pads.

J: If it just had a collar that cut away but still had a sleeves, it would be great. I like her.

Mr. Jim: It looks like my Grandma’s couch.

J: And, her husband is beautiful. Quite the Vision.

Jennifer Lawrence

J: are those penguins on her top? If so, LOVE IT .

Marie: I don’t like that.

Donnatella Versace and J-Lo

J: Somebody help us! Our plane crashed in the desert and we’ve been walking for days.

Marie: I like the cut of the dress but I don’t like the styling.

Allye: If I had her butt, I’d wear this too.

Kate Beckinsale

J: hell yea.

Marie: she lookslike a statue.

Allye: I love her.

Kate Mara

Marie: She looks ill.

J: Awe, she looks sad and lost. Someone help this poor woman. What’s wrong with her knee? I looks weird.

Katie Holmes

Allye: it looks like ebola under a microscope. I dig the bob though.

Marie: I like the color and the cut out in the back but it looks like Suri drew the clouds at the bottom.

J: it looks like Zatons

Katy Perry

J: whoa. My eyes!

Marie: Graffiti

Kendall Jenner

J: that’s nice.

Marie: I don’t like the side boob.

Allye: I like the side boob.

Marie: I love side boob too, just no the netting.

Kerry Washington

Marie: Ew! Just Ew!

Allye: Moldy cotton candy.

Marie: Cupcake.

Kim Kardashian

Marie: Kanye’s starring at her ass.

Allye: Wouldn’t you?

J: is she pregnant again? Kanye’s skirt looks good.

Lady Gaga

Marie: she looks like some kind of empress.

Allye: of the the netherworld.

J: Lady Gaga’s got her evil on.

Marie: looks like she is wearing a chain link fence.

Lizzy Caplan

J: I like how all the wrinkles go towards the same hip.

Marie: That’s called ruching.

J: I like it.

Marie: she looks like a greek goddess.

MIley Cyrus:

Marie: Whoa, that doesn’t even look like her. Those are some strange cutouts.

J: when did she die?

Marie: I like her contouring on her face.

Olivia Wilde

Marie: it looks like something a five year old would wear….. eesh, and I like her.

J: She’s hot but she looks like an alien that knows a secret and that secret is that we’re all gonna die.

Allye: well that’s because that’s the character she played in Cowboys and Aliens.

J: Oh. Well that was a good role for her.

Rachel Weisz

J: my future exwife. My beauty.

Marie: I think she looks lovely.

Reese Witherspoon

Marie: She knows what looks good on her.

J: yea Girl. On a side note, what’s with all the red tonight blending in with the red carpet? She does look good in that dress though.

Mr. Jim: I’d spoon with her.

Rhianna:

J: Whoa. That’s a lot of puke.

Marie: I like her hair. She looks like an Egyptian goddess. That is so pizza.

Sarah Jessica Parker

J: HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH

Marie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

J: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Marie: Even the designer is rolling his eyes. She looks like she is trying to be Katniss. Girl on Fire.

Solange

J: See my peacock?

Marie: It’s the Deathstar.

J: I feel like she’s pointing an ass of a peacock at the camera.

Uma Thurman

J: Roar.

Marie: Classy.

Allye: Agreed.

Zendaya

Marie: She looks like the Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderalnd.

J: Did she make that dress herself?

Grammy’s 2015 Fashion Review

I have a special treat for all of you. This past week, my Dad was going to have a hip replacement. So we had a lot of time on our hands to wait at the hospital. So I decided I was going to have some “guest” commentators on my fashion review from two of the most opinionated women on the plant. My mother and sister. Originally with this concept, I was planning for all three of us to comment on the dresses as I showed them. However, it became apparent that my comments were not needed and were just fluff or filler compared to theirs.  The Grammy’s have really gone downhill since the days of J-Lo’s “the dress” days.

Additionally, my mom has a very distinct way of saying “Ew” when she doesn’t like something…. It’s time to share that sound with the internet. Therefore, to enhance your experience and to get the full effect of her distaste, click here and press play.

I’m very pleased to present to you VERBATIM the comments that were said.

M=Mom

T= Tobe

A= Allye

**copyright claim** all photos are courtesy of just about every single entertainment website on the internet.

Here we go…. In alphabetical order:

Anna Kendrick

M: Plain jane but daring as a tux without a shirt. I like it but I don’t think I’d wear it. (and she totally wouldn’t). I think she needs a shirt under it because she has no boobs.
T: I like her hair. Too many rings. Pointy shoes are tasteful.

A: I like it as is.

Annie Lennox

M: Very classy dress. I’d wear it.

T: It’s beautiful. But needs a little bedazzlement. She needs more color because she is washed out.

A: Needs nothing. She’s perfect just as she is. Go Annie!

Ariana Grande

M: It’s….. different. There’s those old pointy shoes again. They are just plain ugly. And they look uncomfortable. I don’t particularly like that dress. Do you like it Tobe?

T: It looks good on her. She’s got the bedazzlement.

A: She sucks.

Ashanti

M: She looks like a tacky person. It’s not even attractive. Why in the world would she wear this out in public? UGH.

T: No.

A: I don’t like the cutout neckline crap. I agree with Mama. Tacky broad. Tacky boobs.

Beyonce:

M: Why do they have to show their front end? IT doesn’t do anything for me. Lets put it this way, I’m glad I don’t have to wear it.

T: I wish I had a body so I could show off the dress like she can. I don’t care for the hair though.

A: I like it except for the see through crap. It almost looks like a weird fishing net used as a dress from the movie “The Cell.”

Bonnie McKee

T: I like the color. The sideview is tasteful and covers everything.

M: It is tasteful. …. It covers everything that we know of.

A: Meh. If I had her body I’d wear it regardless if it covered everything.   Nicely done. It’s no wonder you made my list again. You were number one a couple of years ago if I remember correctly.

Brandy Clark

T: It’s got glitter and she’s not showing anything. Her hair is nicely done. She’s got a tasteful dress covering all aspects. But hey, it’s got glitter.

M: It is tasteful- covering everything but the arms.

A: Geez. What do you want them to wear? A judge’s robe? Pretty dress. Not for me though. By the way, who is this chick?

Charli XCX

M: Who in the world is that? I don’t know any of these people?

T: Yuck. But the shoes are pink I like them.

A: No way. Crap.

Chrissy Tiegen

T: I take it she is not wearing underwear.

M: I take it she isn’t.

A: I think Chrissy is overrated.

Ciara

M: It’s feathery looking. Does she have a creature on her shoulder? Is that a raccoon? Ostrich?

T: it’s layers of tulle I think. It’s just the sheen from the fabric mom.

M: Oh. I thought it was a creature.

A: Vomit Sauce.

Courtney Reed

M: Oo what’s that? Well, it’s ok.

T: I like the color of her lipstick.

M: it’s not very pretty but it’s ok. That’s all I have to say about that.

A: CRAP. See through CRAP. I hate SEE THROUGH CRAP.

Gina Rodriguez

T: That is not attractive.

M: It looks like a towel with trim.

T: Yea a dishtowel with a really tacky teal color.

M: yea I hate teal.

T: We’re so abrasive aren’t we?

A: Yes. You are.

Giuliana Rancic

T: She’s tough cuz she beat breast cancer. I don’t like the outfit.

M: It’s ok.

A: Eat something.

Gwen Stefani

M: She looks like she is wearing a hat on her dress. Doesn’t it look like a hat? Oh it’s not a dress, it’s pants.

T: I’m reminded of the clown outfits of the 90s.

A: I’m not a fan of pants at awards shows.

Gweneth Paltrow

M: I don’t like her shoes. It would have looked better long.

T: Ditto.

A: Meh, it’s alright. Too short. Act your age.

Iggy Azalea

M: No.

T: I can’t say I like anything about about this dress.

Jane Fonda

M: OH GOD. The green hornet. Doesn’t she look horrible!!?!?!?

T: Uh, yea. I got nothing.

M: That is Hideous. (then again under her breath… hideous)

Jennifer Hudson

M: Awe! That’s nice.

T: Beautiful.

Jenny Lewis

M: Rainbow kid!

T: Nice Boots!

Jessie J

M: I think it’s pretty if it wasn’t sheer. I don’t want to see nudeness underneath.

Joy Villa  — WHO IS THIS CHICK?? 

M: Well. That is just disgusting. That is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. Oh my! She is showing everything!

T: Did she get caught up at the construction site?

M: What possessed her to wear that?

T: Did she call Lady Gaga for tips?

M: That is just gross. Ugggggghh.

M: That isn’t even pretty.

T: Is she wearing pasties?

A: I don’t even know who this is.

Kat Graham

M: Now this is sort of attractive. Even if she looks like a peacock.

T: I wouldn’t have worn white shoes with this. I would have worn black or nude.

Katherine McPhee

M: Now that’s pretty. I like it. It’s not so gawdy that it’s offensive to look at. If it doesn’t show her crack, it’s ok.

T: Is that Electrical tape across her boobs? I do like the color though. Delicate.

Katy Perry

M: That’s sort of gross looking. NO. Don’t you think it’s gross looking? YOU can see everything she’s got. Twat, boobs. She’s got a nice body.

T: I don’t like that you can see her bra.

M: Well she’s not wearing a bra. She’s not even wearing panties. She’s naked as a J-Bird under there.

Kelly Osbourne

T: I’m just saying right now. Ick! Is this what outer space looks like?

M: It’s ok. It doesn’t appeal to me.

Keltie Knight

M: It looks like a suit of armour.

T: It looks like mercury. If she meets up with Thor I’ll gladly take her place.

Kim Kardashian

M: Is she wearing a house coat? A house coat with shoulder pads.

T: J-Lo can definitely fit into her dress better than Kimmie.

Lady Gaga

M: eewww. Those boobs look peculiar.

T: I like her hair and her shoes. That’s about it.

M: I don’t like her boobs.  She’s not very sexy.

T: She’s not doing the “Angelina leg” properly.

Madonna

M: I think that’s ugly. And it’s definitely an ugly corset.

T: I like the corset but absolutely nothing else about her outfit. She looks like she walked off the Wild Wild West movie with Will Smith.

A:   One of my favorite peeps said about Madonna, “You know?  I used to love to see Madonna take her clothes off. Now I just want to get a sandwich.”  Well said, sir.

 

Mary J. Blige

M: That’s pretty. Real pretty. Especially compared to a lot of the other dresses.

T: Complimentary.

Meghan Trainor

M: Oh. NO. Do you think that’s pretty? I don’t think it’s pretty at all. Is that the front side? That looks like her butt crack right there. It looks like her head has been turned around backwards.

T: Sheer see through crap is gross. I agree with my beautiful, fantastic, perfect little sister. She is the most wonderful human being on this planet. Amen.

Melissa Rivers

M: It’s not bad but I don’t like those wide bottom pants. I have never liked bell bottoms and I think they SUCK.   She looks like a sailor.

T: I love Joan therefore I know she chose this and with love from her Mama.

A: I agree with my beautiful, perfect OLDER sister.

T: Butthead.

Miley Cyrus

M: She looks anorexic and I don’t like the dress. If she was going for the sexy look, she missed. It’s a good thing she wasn’t wearing underwear.

A: Mom, I don’t think Miley wears underwear.

M: Who is this?

A: Miley Cyrus.

M: I don’t like her daddy and I don’t like her.

T: I miss the innocent Miley Cyrus.

M: and I don’t know who her mother is.

A: Cuz that matters, mom?

Miranda Lambert

M: I don’t like the splash of color. It would have been a pretty black dress otherwise.

T: Ditto.

Nancy O’Dell

M:  That’s another pantyless dress.

T: I think it’s tasteful. I think the slit is good enough and has nice legs to show off. Not a fan of the hair or the earrings.

M: I don’t like it all. It would have to be completely black and not see through.

T: It isn’t see through.

M: it is too! That’s skin underneath. Her hair sucked too.

T: I have nothing else to say about that.

Nicki Minaj

M: Too much in every department and ugly to boot. Fake boobs. Those are totally fake boobs.

T: Is she wearing anything underneath? I guess that’s the metallic color. It’s ok.

M: Nuh uh. Ugly.

T: Like the bracelets.

 

Paris Hilton

M: At least she is covering up the strategic areas. I don’t particularly care for it.

T: I got nothing.

Pauley Perette

M: I like whatever Pauley wears.

T: Love everything. Except the fact that she is hiding her spider tattoo.

Rhianna

M: Oh no. Explosion. Looks like pepto bismal on steroids.

T: At least she is covered up this time. Ain’t nobody wanna see that business.

Rita Ora

M: It’s pretty. That blonde hair washes her out. Needs something darker but it’s pretty.

T: Reminds me of the original Matrix movie.

Taylor Swift

M: I don’t know why she is wearing pink shoes with that.

A: I think it looks cute.

M: I think it’s alright.

T: I think it doesn’t matter what she wears. I can’t comment negatively on her because I’m a SwiftHead.

Toni Braxton

M: Looks like a wedding dress with boobs.

T: I like what I can see of it.

Zendaya

M: The shoes do not go with that dress

T: I think she is pretty other than the shoes.

M: I’m not a fan of the dress.

——–

So there you have it.  A to Z.  It was nice to pass the time in the hospital with my Sister and Mother commenting on my blog.  If you ever get a chance to watch the Miss America pageant with my mother, do it.  It will be one of the most awesome experiences of your life.  Ew!

Till the next review…….. xoxo!

You know, award season is just about the only time that I regret not having cable. I really do enjoy watching award shows. Meh, I can watch the important parts off the net but sometimes I wish I had the whole she-bang to knock out in like three hours while folding clothes or writing this gem of fashion literature. What did ya’ll think about Tina and Amy’s opening monologue? They killed it. If you missed it, here it is:

Here are some highlights about what I saw on the red carpet Sunday night:

• Peeps brought their A-game to the show
• Stunning colors all around
• Drapes are all the rage
• Lots of fashion risks that didn’t pay off

Lets dive in and get going. We have a long blog ahead of us and it’s gonna be a doozy. Don’t forget to put the coffee pot on. I’d hate for you to nod off in the middle of a snarky comment.

#TheDrapeCouture

Amanda Peet

You know, if I remember correctly, this style was pretty popular back in the 80s. I hate it. It looks like a bunch of sheets just hanging off two oil filters.

Kristen Wiig

Is this gown a joke? A big, slouchy joke? Speaking of slouch, you are starting to get Gwyneth Paltrow’s posture. Throw those shoulders back and be proud of the funny lady that you are . . . but lose the dress.

Lana Del Rey

This chick annoys me.

Maura Tierney

#OnGuard!

Allison Janney

How quickly they fall. From my number one pedestal to THIS. **sigh** It’s ok. I still love you in pretty much anything you have ever been in. So it all evens out in the end. By the way, you should totally buy that dress you wore to the People’s Choice Award in every color and wear them every where.

Jemima Kirke

Have you ever seen that awesome movie from the 80s called BeastMaster? Rip Torn STILL gives me nightmares throwing toddlers into a pit of fire. Super weird. If you have, then you would probably remember those monsters that pop up and spread their veiny wings and wrap them around the enemy in front of them. They jiggle them and after they are done a bunch of goo and bones fall out of their embrace. Yea, that’s this dress. Here’s a picture of those monsters for comparision:

I know…. Right??????

#IJustDon’tGetIt

Taryn Manning

Does this look like aluminum foil colored with a permanent marker? Thought so.

Patricia Arquette

This dress would be great without the obnoxious bow. Congrats on your win though! You are one of my favorites and any awards you get are LONG over due. For the record, here is my all time favorite moment in Medium:

Michelle Monaghan

Super boring dress and the camera totally caught a weird expression. “ Hate it when that happens.

Emily Blunt

I love you. I really really really love you. Hate the cut out. Other wise this would be a decent dress. I just don’t get it.

#NoLoveForTheBoobies

Rosemund Pike

I actually feel sorry for your boobs in this dress. Knowing that you juat gave birth like a month ago and here you are looking flawless with your makeup and hair, I know you MUST be so excited to get out of the house. However… your poor boobies are unsupported and just left hanging. That can’t feel good. This dress wasn’t a good choice, and you know it.

Sienna Miller

I’m just not into these dresses that absolutely hang without any purpose. Also, the boobies look a little wonky… like two tiny wilted peaches screaming for attention.

#NoSparklyScarfCanSaveThisFrock

Melissa McCarthy

You have been on such a roll these last few awards shows. Now, you show up in this. Back to the drawing board.

Modest Mouse Award

Felicity Jones

What a completely respectable gown. The color is a little meh … but not completely upsetting or irritating to the eye.

Most Improved

Anna Faris

Thank GOD. That last number you wore was atrocious. Love the color.

Heidi Klum

It’s a little pageant like, but you know what? You look great. I love the hair, the color and the makeup. Congrats!

Lena Dunham 

You know, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You look in the mirror and see a beautiful red gem of a ballgown. I see a red satin comforter that you cut arms into and shaped it like the liberty bell. Still better than all the gowns you’ve worn before. Pretty smile though!

#FuhGetAboutIt! 

Kiera Knightly

“‘Ello, my name is Kiera Knightly. I love to wear coffee filters on top of me dress that’s made of me butterfly sheets. I’m so pretty!”

In comparison the collar of this dress reminds me of this lady who purposefully took pictures in airplane laboratories finding all the different ways to turn napkins and toilet paper into outfits…Flemish style. Hilarious. See?

For more laughs.. check out the whole collection here. I love stuff like this.

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler 

Tina, what is this? It looks like a dress from the Tweedle Dee collection. And Amy? Ew. Both of your opening monologue dresses were way better. Regardless, I ❤ you!

Claire Danes

WTF is this!?!?!

#ExceptionToTheRule

Emma Stone

I love this outfit. I think this is so EMMA. Glamorous and edgy. She looks great and it looks great on the red carpet. This is how you pull off a novelty outfit. Flawless. Congrats on your Oscar nomination EMMA!!!!!!!!!!

Timeless Beauties

Amy Adams and Diane Krueger

Both of these ladies just scream old school ALL the time. Tasteful, classic and beautiful.

Camilla Alves

Mrs. Mac is always impressive and so comfortable in her own skin. She runs circles as a “plus 1” around a lot of the people who are actually here for an award!

Cindy Crawford

One thing I like about you, is the fact that you dress perfectly for your body and for your age (unlike Heidi Klum… most of of the time). That’s why you are the original super model and always will be the BEST super model.

Honorable Mention

Laura Prepon

I love this. What a creative dress. It looks amazing on you and against your raven hair. Love it.

Gina Rodriguez

Interesting selection—and it looks gorgeous on you! I’m not into the bottom half that much, however, it is unique and you pull it off pretty well. Lovely hair and congrats on your win!!!

Allison Williams

I love this dress. Super gorgeous. I’m not into you or the weird head cocked to the side though. Keep your stylist though.

Kate Beckinsale

Love this woman. Isn’t she so beautiful? Love this color too!
Kerry Washington

1)WTF is up with your shoes lady? Uhh… no matchy matchy or even cleverly mismatched. It looks like you walked out of the house without any shoes and those were the first you could find. 2) Your hair is a mess. Wear your hair like you do when you are portraying Olivia Pope… c’mon! It is a GOOD LOOK!!!! 3) Cute dress and completely respectable decision.

Best Dressed

 

Here it is ya’ll! SO many to get through. I’m having a hard time choosing my order. Ok… here it goes….

Greer Grammar 

Ms. Golden Globe! You did us proud! Absolutely beautiful! I love this champagne color that people are wearing. It is so delicate and fresh!

Jenna Dewan Tatum

If a picture was needed for the term “exotic beauty,” Mrs. Tatum would be perfect. I love this yellow with her skin tone and her hair color. I love the lip color too!

Uzo Aduba

I love this on you! I love the neck and the exposed shoulders. Gorgeous!

Julia Louis Dreyfus

Elaine always knows what to wear! She knows what looks good on her and she knows how to take that look and make it her own.

Kate Mara

YES! Finally. Several reasons I am excited about your look. 1) YOU ARE SMILING. Holy moly, smile more often lady! 2) I love that you aren’t playing the “I’m so mysterious in ways you can’t possibly understand” chick on the red carpet tonight —that gets old 3) I love your hair! The color and the style. 4) I love this dress. Here’s why. I love the neck line. Gorgeous and so feminine! The belt long with the ruffles on the torso are a nice touch. 5) The COLOR. Red is your color Kate! Wear it all the time. Please. Awesome look.

Anna Kendrick

What a lady! I love Anna. She has come a long way since her Twilight days. I’m so excited for her and her recent roles! Back to the dress—how charming! This dress has a beautiful color contrast between the background color and the design. I love that her hair is pulled back and not distracting from the dress at all. Nice choice all around.

Lupita N’yongo

She is probably one of the most pliable celebrities on the red carpet. She can literally rock ANY kind of look. On the hanger I probably wouldn’t give this dress a second look. It would literally scare me with ruffles at the top. However, stick Lupita in it and it is stunning! You are such a beauty. You ruled my Best Dressed last season. It’s no surprise you are back on it this season!

Reese Witherspoon

Just like Julia Louis Dreyfus, Reese knows exactly what will make her shine on the red carpet. So in touch with what is what. She rarely has a misstep. She looks so statuesque!

Helen Mirren

What a lady! I love the beaded detail along the neckline. The color is exquisite and you looking frickin’ fantastic!

Naomi Watts

Such a movie star! I love the color, belt detail and necklace! I’m loving all these dresses that give off an old Hollywood vibe. That is what I want at these awards shows! These peeps are really bringing their A-Game!

Jennifer Aniston

Beautiful look for her. I love the sequined top with the fitted waist and high slit skirt. I feel bad for her getting snubbed on the Oscar Nominations.

…………………….TOP TEN……………………………

 

10. Viola Davis

Spot on. Great color, great hair, well made and complimentary. Love the whole package.

9. Amal Alamuddin

I love her. She’s beautiful. I love the gloves and her clutch. I love the scarf thingy however I found it HILARIOUS to see people trip all over it while she was walking down the carpet. Heckuva way to be introduced to Hollywood society. Strut strut..ugh I’m getting choked… strut strut. George Clooney’s acceptance speech was so sweet. What a lucky girl!

8. Jessica Chastain

I love this dress. Isn’t she just gorgeous? She does redheaded gals proud! I love the deep cleavage. The whole dress is sexy and so freakin’ tasteful. I love the color!! And her hair! She’s got some Bumble and Bumble going on. Also, I think it may be possible that she was a mermaid in a former life. Just a feeling I have.

7. Leslie Mann

Leslie is always a plus one at these award shows and like Camilla Alves, she is always STUNNING in her wardrobe choices. I love this dress. She’s got the body to rock it—and I love the contrast of the dress against the green earrings and green/gold clutch. BEAUTIFUL!

6. Salma Hayek

She looks like a billion dollars (probably because she’s a billionaire). Is it just me or is a belt accessorizing trend starting to form? Either way, I am loving it! I love the texture of this dress. Of course she always looks amazing. She’s very dependable on the red carpet.

5. Kelly Osbourne

I could be your best friend. I LOVE the way you absolutely own the red carpet. This dress is delicious! You look like a QUEEN in this gown. How absolutely gorgeous! The navy blue is so regal. Excellent choice! How long until the purple hair contract is up? I bet you are counting down the days!

4. Emmanuelle Chirqui

So shiny! So sparkly! Fits you like a glove. Excellent shoe and makeup choice. If I could I would wear this dress ALL DAY EVERY DAY as I take care of two toddlers under 4 and work from home at the same time…. not in heels.

3. Jennifer Lopez